More of a PSA than a post

I saw this on the interwebs recently from Miss Lohan.
















Remind anyone else of other washed up former superstars?
















Don't do drugs, girls. Unless you live by me. Or you want to get Ram Jammed. In which case, if you are interested in getting Ram Jammed, just show up at Uno Pizza on double dish / double tequila night.

Cue NBC's "The More You Know" music.

Some day Weird Al and I will cut an album

It's been a while, but once again I've been inspired by song. This one goes out to my pal who invented this song title, and to John Mayer for when he was hitting off Jessica Simpson during the six months of the year she was bingeing.


I drank all afternoon
You eat entrees for two
One thing they'll never do
is discover me
discovering you



One mile to every inch of
Your skin like rubbermaid
One head like a corrugated lid and
Your beef jerky tongue

'Cause if you want love
I'll fake it
Your skin flaps
Like blankets
Take all the bed supports
And break 'em
Maybe I'm a pudge-o-phile?









Her body was a garbage can
Her body was a garbage (cut off my hands)
Her body was a garbage can




Something 'bout the way I only f*ck her face.
The dress she wore, well it looks just like a pillowcase
God bless the blackouts bro
Though I might wake to find it
I'll never let the door hit her ass
Without my hand behind it


Her body was a garbage can
Her body was a garbage (without a tan)
Her body was a garbage can

Damn baby
Please castrate me
I know you're mine all mine all mine
But you can't believe it's not butter all the time


Fatty fat fatty fat fat fat
Fatty fat cer-tain-ly not real slim
Her body was a garbage can
Her body was a garbage (she ate my hand)
Her body was a garbage can
Her body was a garbage can

I'm back... maybe

Please excuse my absence, I have been in the bathroom. A few things that brought me out of hiding:


In 'the bright side of civil unrest' news, I have agreed to accept a position in the new Egyptian cabinet as the minister of Funk.




When asked his occupation upon checking into rehab, Charlie Sheen said, "Well I'm an actor, but I really want to die-wrecked."









Betty White apparently won a SAG award tonight. Had no idea they had a breast catgory. This recent resurgence for the Golden Girl is pissing me off. No one was celebrating her when I was hitting that ten years ago...














The NFL Pro Bowl is like an all star porn cast got together for an orgy and then everybody stands around jerking off while Bill Belichick secretly films and grimaces.

Football Analysis You Have Been Missing...

It's been said time and time again, the difference between a good pro QB and a good college QB is being able to look quickly to your third and fourth options...

From the Ben Roethlisberger Georgia police report:
"I don't know what I can ... do," she said. "I'm a little girl and he's a big boy."

The victim told police she is 5-foot-4 and weighs 145 pounds.

Ben obviously saw the tight ends in the bar were covered and audibled to an eligible lineperson.

World Cup Preview

Ok - I don't know much about soccer other than you take your shirt off after you score, which frankly is counter-intuitive to the American sexual order of things, but I digress. However, what I do know about the South African-hosted World Cup boils down to four words: Rika van den Haas.


Who is that you ask? Only the freakin hottest chick in the world from Lethal Weapon 2, whose character was:
1) South African (I think)
2) KILLED mercilessly by South Africans, all for the love of Krugerrand!

To summarize, this girl was soooo hot and took her shirt off in a movie I saw when I was 12. South Africans killed her. They also seemed verrry into that apartheid thing, which was pretty uncool. There you have it, the World Cup in a nutshell. Enjoy the action.