I'm back... maybe

Please excuse my absence, I have been in the bathroom. A few things that brought me out of hiding:


In 'the bright side of civil unrest' news, I have agreed to accept a position in the new Egyptian cabinet as the minister of Funk.




When asked his occupation upon checking into rehab, Charlie Sheen said, "Well I'm an actor, but I really want to die-wrecked."









Betty White apparently won a SAG award tonight. Had no idea they had a breast catgory. This recent resurgence for the Golden Girl is pissing me off. No one was celebrating her when I was hitting that ten years ago...














The NFL Pro Bowl is like an all star porn cast got together for an orgy and then everybody stands around jerking off while Bill Belichick secretly films and grimaces.

Football Analysis You Have Been Missing...

It's been said time and time again, the difference between a good pro QB and a good college QB is being able to look quickly to your third and fourth options...

From the Ben Roethlisberger Georgia police report:
"I don't know what I can ... do," she said. "I'm a little girl and he's a big boy."

The victim told police she is 5-foot-4 and weighs 145 pounds.

Ben obviously saw the tight ends in the bar were covered and audibled to an eligible lineperson.

World Cup Preview

Ok - I don't know much about soccer other than you take your shirt off after you score, which frankly is counter-intuitive to the American sexual order of things, but I digress. However, what I do know about the South African-hosted World Cup boils down to four words: Rika van den Haas.


Who is that you ask? Only the freakin hottest chick in the world from Lethal Weapon 2, whose character was:
1) South African (I think)
2) KILLED mercilessly by South Africans, all for the love of Krugerrand!

To summarize, this girl was soooo hot and took her shirt off in a movie I saw when I was 12. South Africans killed her. They also seemed verrry into that apartheid thing, which was pretty uncool. There you have it, the World Cup in a nutshell. Enjoy the action.

Caption Contest

Everyone has AIDS! Not just HIV but full blown AIDS!!




No, Kobe!! That's not a Denver hotel maid!!! Pull out!

Financial News

FDIC shuts down three Puerto Rico banks, claims they just had that "shady Puerto Rican look"

SAN FRANCISCO (MarketWatch) -- Three bank failures in Puerto Rico on Friday raised the tally of failed U.S. banks for the year to 60, according to the Federal Deposit Insurance Corp. Puerto Rico's Westernbank will be taken over by Banco Popular; Eurobank will be taken over by Oriental Bank and Trust; and R-G Premier Bank of Puerto Rico will be taken over by Scotiabank. The three banks claimed to have a combined total of $20.42 billion in assets and $14.84 billion in deposits, but could only produce loose change and 6 packs of Parliaments when confronted by FDIC officials.

FDIC chairperson Sheila Bair commented, "I've seen these Puerto Rican banks loitering around my financial marketplace for far too long. The Board and I have just always had the feeling that they're up to no good! When we investigated further, we determined that there were Hispanic men with guns inside all three banks. Guns! I wanted to give all their ill-gotten funds to that nice hard-working Oriental bank, but I was told I couldn't do that." Reached on his car phone, vice president Joe Biden said, "This is probably another big fucking deal isn't it?"

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