Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Sad News
The WNBA announced today that it has suffered a season-ending collective tear to its ACL and MCL. The news was particularly difficult, coming just hours after the league's announcement that it was a proud lesbian. It is just the second pro sports league, following Major Men's Lacrosse, to publicly embrace its homosexuality.
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
The Mushnick Battles
Phil Mushnick is a sports/media columnist with The New York Post. As his name suggests, he is the worst person on earth. At some point I snapped and started emailing him. The biggest surprise is that he has an iPhone. Of course, I am usually day drinking when I send these. This is a war that will never end. Here are a few of our exchanges:
From: "Mushnick, Phil"
Date: Mon, 4 Feb 2013 15:23:52 -0500
Subject: Re: hilarious
To: Dan
Dan - would you prefer I allow others to dictate my opinions? Just
kinda fall in line with rest? No can do. I know you may not believe
this, but hiring that hooker was not mu call. Thanks - Mushnick
Sent from my iPhone
On Feb 4, 2013, at 3:15 PM, "Dan wrote:
Phil,
Do you know anyone under the age of 50?
Have you ever read the rest of the Post on breaks from your soapbox?
Is it tough to rail against the downfall of society's morality when
you have had a hooker as a columnist colleague?
Your jokes rival Rick Reilly's. Keep up the good work.
Dan
###
12/5/12
to Phil
Do you think tv networks want games on at certain times just to make you, the Golden Girls and Matlock mad? Do you think maybe they are trying to make money and have determined these are the best times to get the largest audience? Should the owners of pro teams cater to curmudgeonly writers or the people that tune in and create their giant tv deals?
Mushnick, Phil
12/6/12
to me
Dan - I suspect that you wouldn't mind leaving your home on Christmas Day to sell peanuts for peanuts at a made-for-TV NBA game.
Sent from my iPhone
###
Dan
9/3/10
to Phil
Teams wearing black doesn't make them
gangsters or more prone to crime, it sells more jerseys. So what?
Mushnick, Phil
9/4/10
to me
Dan - Stop, look, listen - and read - the inclusion of black, and only black, and for the last 25 years - is totally reliant on gang-established fashion. Nike knows this; so should you. - mushnick Dan >
to Phil
Yup, the fashion industry was also trying to recruit new gang members when they created the little black cocktail dress.
From: "Mushnick, Phil"
Date: Mon, 4 Feb 2013 15:23:52 -0500
Subject: Re: hilarious
To: Dan
Dan - would you prefer I allow others to dictate my opinions? Just
kinda fall in line with rest? No can do. I know you may not believe
this, but hiring that hooker was not mu call. Thanks - Mushnick
Sent from my iPhone
On Feb 4, 2013, at 3:15 PM, "Dan wrote:
Phil,
Do you know anyone under the age of 50?
Have you ever read the rest of the Post on breaks from your soapbox?
Is it tough to rail against the downfall of society's morality when
you have had a hooker as a columnist colleague?
Your jokes rival Rick Reilly's. Keep up the good work.
Dan
###
12/5/12
to Phil
Do you think tv networks want games on at certain times just to make you, the Golden Girls and Matlock mad? Do you think maybe they are trying to make money and have determined these are the best times to get the largest audience? Should the owners of pro teams cater to curmudgeonly writers or the people that tune in and create their giant tv deals?
Mushnick, Phil
12/6/12
to me
Dan - I suspect that you wouldn't mind leaving your home on Christmas Day to sell peanuts for peanuts at a made-for-TV NBA game.
Sent from my iPhone
###
Dan
9/3/10
to Phil
Teams wearing black doesn't make them
gangsters or more prone to crime, it sells more jerseys. So what?
Mushnick, Phil
9/4/10
to me
Dan - Stop, look, listen - and read - the inclusion of black, and only black, and for the last 25 years - is totally reliant on gang-established fashion. Nike knows this; so should you. - mushnick Dan >
to Phil
Yup, the fashion industry was also trying to recruit new gang members when they created the little black cocktail dress.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Terror among us?
I meant to post something about this a while ago, but I have so many problems. So many. Anyway.
Like many Americans, when the SEALS killed Osama bin laden I thought, what about his evil offspring?? What about OMAR??????? What about the rest of the EVIL?? So I did some research.
Picture evidence #1:
Take away some of the rebellious, Middle Eastern, Islam-friendly, hip hop look, add some weak acting, and....
Picture evidence #2:
Wait, Mr. left wing, Constitution-loving, cock-ring-wearing, FBI agent, did we lose touch with Chris Moltisanti for a period of time after the Sopranos? Even A FUCKING BRIEF PERIOD OF TIME?? Did we Mr. G-Man?? Sean Connery wants to know if you bring baba ganoush to a fucking falafel fight??
Picture evidence #3:
Methinks, yes.
Did he try to fool us in the episode where he got made? Yes, America, yes...
Picture evidence #4:
But did he sit on and kill Adrianna's dog in a heroin binge just for fun?
Picture evidence #5:
Once again. Unequivocally, yes.
So where do we stand? I don't know America. Omar Moltisanti just poured you a shot. Where do you stand?
Like many Americans, when the SEALS killed Osama bin laden I thought, what about his evil offspring?? What about OMAR??????? What about the rest of the EVIL?? So I did some research.
Picture evidence #1:
Take away some of the rebellious, Middle Eastern, Islam-friendly, hip hop look, add some weak acting, and....
Picture evidence #2:
Wait, Mr. left wing, Constitution-loving, cock-ring-wearing, FBI agent, did we lose touch with Chris Moltisanti for a period of time after the Sopranos? Even A FUCKING BRIEF PERIOD OF TIME?? Did we Mr. G-Man?? Sean Connery wants to know if you bring baba ganoush to a fucking falafel fight??
Picture evidence #3:
Methinks, yes.
Did he try to fool us in the episode where he got made? Yes, America, yes...
Picture evidence #4:
But did he sit on and kill Adrianna's dog in a heroin binge just for fun?
Picture evidence #5:
Once again. Unequivocally, yes.
So where do we stand? I don't know America. Omar Moltisanti just poured you a shot. Where do you stand?
More of a PSA than a post
I saw this on the interwebs recently from Miss Lohan.
Remind anyone else of other washed up former superstars?
Don't do drugs, girls. Unless you live by me. Or you want to get Ram Jammed. In which case, if you are interested in getting Ram Jammed, just show up at Uno Pizza on double dish / double tequila night.
Cue NBC's "The More You Know" music.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Some day Weird Al and I will cut an album
It's been a while, but once again I've been inspired by song. This one goes out to my pal who invented this song title, and to John Mayer for when he was hitting off Jessica Simpson during the six months of the year she was bingeing.
I drank all afternoon
You eat entrees for two
One thing they'll never do
is discover me
discovering you
One mile to every inch of
Your skin like rubbermaid
One head like a corrugated lid and
Your beef jerky tongue
'Cause if you want love
I'll fake it
Your skin flaps
Like blankets
Take all the bed supports
And break 'em
Maybe I'm a pudge-o-phile?
Her body was a garbage can
Her body was a garbage (cut off my hands)
Her body was a garbage can
Something 'bout the way I only f*ck her face.
The dress she wore, well it looks just like a pillowcase
God bless the blackouts bro
Though I might wake to find it
I'll never let the door hit her ass
Without my hand behind it
Her body was a garbage can
Her body was a garbage (without a tan)
Her body was a garbage can
Damn baby
Please castrate me
I know you're mine all mine all mine
But you can't believe it's not butter all the time
Fatty fat fatty fat fat fat
Fatty fat cer-tain-ly not real slim
Her body was a garbage can
Her body was a garbage (she ate my hand)
Her body was a garbage can
Her body was a garbage can
I drank all afternoon
You eat entrees for two
One thing they'll never do
is discover me
discovering you
One mile to every inch of
Your skin like rubbermaid
One head like a corrugated lid and
Your beef jerky tongue
'Cause if you want love
I'll fake it
Your skin flaps
Like blankets
Take all the bed supports
And break 'em
Maybe I'm a pudge-o-phile?
Her body was a garbage can
Her body was a garbage (cut off my hands)
Her body was a garbage can
Something 'bout the way I only f*ck her face.
The dress she wore, well it looks just like a pillowcase
God bless the blackouts bro
Though I might wake to find it
I'll never let the door hit her ass
Without my hand behind it
Her body was a garbage can
Her body was a garbage (without a tan)
Her body was a garbage can
Damn baby
Please castrate me
I know you're mine all mine all mine
But you can't believe it's not butter all the time
Fatty fat fatty fat fat fat
Fatty fat cer-tain-ly not real slim
Her body was a garbage can
Her body was a garbage (she ate my hand)
Her body was a garbage can
Her body was a garbage can
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