As part of my 2007 media campaign, I will be running the following text as an ad in all of the local tabloids in NYC upon my return this summer:
Yes, I am approachable.
I am sick and tired of being too goddamned good-looking for women to approach me. Yes, I am also very witty, intelligent and a snappy dresser. Yes, I will make a lot of money by most standards. All that said - I might not turn you down. I probably will, but I have slept with a lot of iffy women in my day. Who knows – maybe I will have had seven or eight drinks in me when you make your move? Take a chance, ladies.
Truth be told, you probably will be met with a curt “no thank you”, or maybe even just a smug nod as I walk away. But life is about taking risks. If Salt N Pepa had not thrown their Starter hats in the ring and recorded ‘Push It’, they would just be a couple of fat chicks who never knew the joy of being called table spices. So go for it ladies, I am very approachable.
--Franchise
917 555 9317
Saturday, March 31, 2007
Friday, March 30, 2007
Speed Dating: Is it ok to come really quickly if it's a one night stand where you met on a speed date?
Franchise was convinced to go to a speed dating event on a work night with some fellow Jerks. He is feeling it in the office today, but it was well worthwhile. You probably know the drill - Spend 3 minutes each with 25 broads - whistle blows and you move on to the next girl. You then circle Yes or No on a sheet to determine if you match with any of them. Enjoy.
Get to HurryDate event - we are not on until 8:45 -- it is 7:20 --
move towards bar. Drink a quick eight or so beers, work out a plan with barback that he will serve as waiter while we are dating.
There is a sea of ugly girls waiting to get there paws on us. The event organizer introduces a gaggle of nasties to us to mingle beforehand. I turn my back and say that I don't want to ruin the
experience of the HurryDate by talking too early.
Begin Dating - Highlights
One girl is sitting at a table in the back which is under a spotlight - as I approach she remarks at how bright it is. I proceed to purposely backhand the small candle holder off the table and tell her "No worries, mate." She is scared out of her mind.
Sit down with another girl as her previous date is getting up - "Man, I bet you're glad he's leaving. That guy was UG-LY. Don't they screen these people. You're lucky to have a catch like me, huh?" The guy already hated me cause I kept telling him to hurry the f*ck up after every date and that he was ugly and ruining it for everyone.
I asked a lot of girls "What do you look for in a guy like me?" - they were either confused or amused.
One girl circled YES on her card as soon as I sat down. I asked her if she wanted to just spend the rest of our time making out.
I would pretend to take notes often and begin to cross out vigorously and become animated at fairly innocuous stuff like where a girl was from or what her name was.
I started to get up on the table when one black chick (the only semi-attractive girl at the event) asked me if I liked to dance. She had to restrain me as I attempted to jump up on our 2x3 table to do the watusi.
I thought the candle knocking was fun so I did that a few more times at various tables.
Near the end, one chick and I got in a very silly argument about medical school (I am not even sure what it was about, but I was probably right) and she says:
Girl: "Oh no, you're going to make me cry."
Franchise: "No, don't be crazy"
Girl: "Yes, its coming"
Franchise: "Are you some kind of freak?"
Girl: (sobbing uncontrollably)
Franchise: "Let me go get you some tissues"
I then bragged about that to my next few dates.
A couple of times when a girl was talking I would take LONG exaggerated gulps off my beer bottle. The girl would eventually ask a question and I would hold up my hand and keep drinking until I finished the bottle and say, "Now, what was that?"
One girl asked what I did for a living and I said I was unemployed. She was curious how I could afford to live on the Upper East side then? I said "Well, I also steal stuff...... nice ring."
At one point my friend gave the Spanish-speaking busboy 10 bucks to take his nametag and sit down on a date. We giggled in the corner and did a shot while watching the poor girl attempt to communicate with him– she was not amused.
We would all occasionally look at our watches and yell for the host that it was "Time to blow the f*cking whistle!!" if a girl was particularly ugly/boring/crying.
I think I met all the girls of my dreams.
Postscript:
More from Hurrydate fallout - this is an email from one of my YES matches who has not caught the drift that I don't want to correspond, and then my response back.
From: ############<2529252735584c55330a.2529255b37593c29330a@email.hurrydate.com> To: hotmail.com
Subject: HurryDater message: what happen?
Date: Wed, 16 Jul 2003 07:28:39 -0400
One minute we were e-mailing each other and the next it stopped....so i have placed an ad in the papper for A Lost and FOund person, however there is no Reward soo i wonder if it will turn up again..:) ON any event i fu are still intersted e-mail me back.. Ciao.. Cathy.
From:hotmail.comTo:############<2529252735584c55330a.2529255b37593c29330a@email.hurrydate.com> Subject: HurryDater message: what happen?
Date: Wed, 16 Jul 2003 08:02:21 -0600
####
Get to HurryDate event - we are not on until 8:45 -- it is 7:20 --
move towards bar. Drink a quick eight or so beers, work out a plan with barback that he will serve as waiter while we are dating.
There is a sea of ugly girls waiting to get there paws on us. The event organizer introduces a gaggle of nasties to us to mingle beforehand. I turn my back and say that I don't want to ruin the
experience of the HurryDate by talking too early.
Begin Dating - Highlights
One girl is sitting at a table in the back which is under a spotlight - as I approach she remarks at how bright it is. I proceed to purposely backhand the small candle holder off the table and tell her "No worries, mate." She is scared out of her mind.
Sit down with another girl as her previous date is getting up - "Man, I bet you're glad he's leaving. That guy was UG-LY. Don't they screen these people. You're lucky to have a catch like me, huh?" The guy already hated me cause I kept telling him to hurry the f*ck up after every date and that he was ugly and ruining it for everyone.
I asked a lot of girls "What do you look for in a guy like me?" - they were either confused or amused.
One girl circled YES on her card as soon as I sat down. I asked her if she wanted to just spend the rest of our time making out.
I would pretend to take notes often and begin to cross out vigorously and become animated at fairly innocuous stuff like where a girl was from or what her name was.
I started to get up on the table when one black chick (the only semi-attractive girl at the event) asked me if I liked to dance. She had to restrain me as I attempted to jump up on our 2x3 table to do the watusi.
I thought the candle knocking was fun so I did that a few more times at various tables.
Near the end, one chick and I got in a very silly argument about medical school (I am not even sure what it was about, but I was probably right) and she says:
Girl: "Oh no, you're going to make me cry."
Franchise: "No, don't be crazy"
Girl: "Yes, its coming"
Franchise: "Are you some kind of freak?"
Girl: (sobbing uncontrollably)
Franchise: "Let me go get you some tissues"
I then bragged about that to my next few dates.
A couple of times when a girl was talking I would take LONG exaggerated gulps off my beer bottle. The girl would eventually ask a question and I would hold up my hand and keep drinking until I finished the bottle and say, "Now, what was that?"
One girl asked what I did for a living and I said I was unemployed. She was curious how I could afford to live on the Upper East side then? I said "Well, I also steal stuff...... nice ring."
At one point my friend gave the Spanish-speaking busboy 10 bucks to take his nametag and sit down on a date. We giggled in the corner and did a shot while watching the poor girl attempt to communicate with him– she was not amused.
We would all occasionally look at our watches and yell for the host that it was "Time to blow the f*cking whistle!!" if a girl was particularly ugly/boring/crying.
I think I met all the girls of my dreams.
Postscript:
More from Hurrydate fallout - this is an email from one of my YES matches who has not caught the drift that I don't want to correspond, and then my response back.
From: ############<2529252735584c55330a.2529255b37593c29330a@email.hurrydate.com> To: hotmail.com
Subject: HurryDater message: what happen?
Date: Wed, 16 Jul 2003 07:28:39 -0400
One minute we were e-mailing each other and the next it stopped....so i have placed an ad in the papper for A Lost and FOund person, however there is no Reward soo i wonder if it will turn up again..:) ON any event i fu are still intersted e-mail me back.. Ciao.. Cathy.
From:hotmail.comTo:############<2529252735584c55330a.2529255b37593c29330a@email.hurrydate.com> Subject: HurryDater message: what happen?
Date: Wed, 16 Jul 2003 08:02:21 -0600
Cathy, I just don't think we should see each other anymore. I know we had a good run in those three minutes, and it's not a time in my life that I will easily forget, but I am simply at a different stage right now. We can pretend we are the same carefree couple who tried to dance on the table, but do you really want to pretend? Next thing we end up with 2.5 pretend kids, a mortgage and a never-ending argument about my insatiable sex drive. I know I don't want that. I think what we had was too special to drag it through the mud like that. You'll meet someone else and settle down - eventually I will have enough money for a Russian mail order bride..... realize that I never wanted to lead you on - everything I said, felt and did in those three minutes was absolutely real and heartfelt. Maybe some day I will be that same carefree person again and things can change. But for now, let's just say see ya later.... Goodbye is too hard.
####
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I need a forum
The doctors say I need an outlet for the demons in my head. They suggested I take up guitar or start a blog. I hate guitars. If you'd like to contact me and I have not fathered any of your children, leave a comment.
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