Sad News

Verne “Mini Me” Troyer was found dead this morning. Early coroner reports indicate that years of substance abuse finally caught up with the diminutive actor. Dr. Drew Pinsky, the ‘therapist to the stars’ who treated Troyer for several months, commented: “The little guy was fucked up ya know? Some folks are so out of control that they don’t want to be helped. Toward the end, he was drinking two or three beers per day, and had a 5 dollar a week cocaine habit. His heart had swollen to the size of a quarter… it was just a matter of time.”

New TV lineup

We are lucky enough that I am privy to the new Spring network television prime time replacement shows. Here they are with time slots and tag lines.

Fox
Wednesday / 10:00 pm: Are You Sexier Than A Fifth Grader? -- “We’re Fox, for Christ’s sake. Jeff Foxworthy hosts.”

Friday / 10:00 pm: Oh Yeah, Mr. Really Smart Fifth Grader – Can You Do More Whippets Than Me? – “The 7th grade children of failed contestants on Fox’s Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader?, will now have a chance to defend their family’s incestuous honor. Jeff Foxworthy still hosts.”

CBS
Thursday / 8:00 pm: Survivor: West Baltimore -- "The HBO-like edginess of the mean streets of one of America's worst cities, meets the competitive fire of stranded middle-aged white people -- Who will come out on top?"

Monday / 8:30 pm: How I met that chick who used to let me throw it in her butt before I married your frigid, bitchy mother -- "A prequel of sorts"

NBC
Tuesday / 8:00 pm: Law & Order: The Hispanic Guy Did It -- “Ripped out another spinoff”

Thursday / 9:00 pm: The Corporate Rest Room -- “They love it in England!”

Friday / 10:00 pm: Dateline: To Catch A Governor -- “Dateline correspondent, Chris Hansen of To Catch A Predator fame, will now use a variety of high tech traps to catch evil-doing state leaders in the act -- while you watch and judge!”

ABC
Wednesday / 8:00 pm: Convulsing with the Handicapped Stars! -- "Production is currently on hold"

Thursday / 8:30 pm: The Bachelor: No Prophylactics! -- "We promise that by the end of this season there will be more tears and surprises than ever..."