A few thoughts for the real fans

• In order to combat Kay Jewelers and their omnipresent advertising campaign, I am starting a new business just in time for the holiday season called "BlowJob Diamonds". Now if I could only think of a catchy slogan...
  
  


• When this Secret Millionaire show debuted on Fox, I decided to quit my job and begin hanging around meth clinics and soda/beer can recycling centers... I've even been sleeping with more homeless chicks. So far I have VD and a heroin problem, but I really feel I am this close to finding one of these undercover rich fuckers and making some easy money.
  

Years back, this would have practically been blasphemy. But with the advances in modern medicine and the cost of pharmaceuticals coming down, I submit to you that Snoop was wrong and there is in fact some "pussy good enough to get burnt while I'm up in it". Happy Holidays fuckers.

Boycott Apple this Holiday Season

Friends,
I am back with a serious request. It used to be that a guy could take the subway to work, see a pretty girl, and just lean over and quietly say something creepy or just wildly inappropriate. Well, that is until a man named Steve Jobs came along and invented the "iPod". Now everybody's got their "earbuds" in, and hypothetical women can't hear any of a hypothetical guy's awesome pick-up lines or educated guesses about what kind of underwear they are wearing. This is just wrong, because it obviously leads to unabashed, unwanted groping! So if you support sexual assault, please - go right ahead and buy your female cousin that brand new pink Shuffle for Christmas! You goddamn freak.