90210 - The Early Years: A Character Examination

A friend of mine alerted me to a 90210 marathon recently, I am glad that they did. This was groundbreaking television and I think it is important that it be analyzed.


Scott - a great guy, salt of the earth. David Silver's best friend until he offed himself in Season 1 because he could no longer stand Steve Sanders' acting. The good ones go too soon.




Jim Walsh - presents himself as the hard ass Midwestern dad with an iron-clad value system, yet lets his daughter get penetrated every day but Sunday by a 35 year old high school multi-millionaire alcoholic drug addict with sideburns. Sorry Jim, that's just not good parenting.








Cindy Walsh - never much character development, but I'd pay good money to see a sex tape surface. Grrrowl.




Nat - like a Greek, diner-owning, pastel-uniformed Buddha. Nat dispensed Mega Burgers and sage advice with a smile. He secretly had to hate all those rich fucks. Rumor has it, backstage, Joe E. Tata took down every actress on set... on the Peach Pit grill.



Andrea - Constantly abused and left out by her so-called "friends". Unrequited love for Brandon which could not be fulfilled just by her work on the school paper and fervent masturbation... Andrea getting knocked up by the Hispanic lawyer, Jesse, during a one night stand was less of a shocker than the actress who played Stephanie on Full House becoming a meth addict. The experts just see these things coming. My only gripe with the Andrea character was that the network would not allow them to air the episode where she starts her own "Columbine Club".


Donna Martin - While most of the show's attention to her character centered around Donna's virginity, a little known fact is that Donna Martin was known as "The HandJob Queen of West Beverly Hills High". Her other nickname was "Rodeo", because it was said that if you could last more than 8 seconds in her vise-like grip and bug-eyed penetrating stare, you were truly a champion.


David Silver - nuff said. An artist and a gentleman.


Guy had so much sex appeal that even the firmly heterosexual "producer" in this video clearly wants to bone him. I don't know how Donna held out after hearing this tune. The unedited line is "She must be a pretty cool girl... is she on Craig's List?"
TO BE CONTINUED...

Product Endorsement

I don't usually do this without being paid, but I really like my new iPhone. It is so handy.

If you want to have a dead hooker removed from your parents' basement - there's an app for that.

If the bitch won't put the lotion in the basket - there's an app for that.

You have weird bumps on your genitals - there's an app for that.

If you just accidentally shot an undercover cop - there's an app for that.

If you come out of a blackout and realize you've stolen a helicopter specifically to head up to Hunt's Point but you left your wallet at your apartment and you seem to have a dart in your neck - well, there's actually no app for that. Great phone though.

MLB news bulletin

Dodgers owner Frank McCourt is also disappointed to learn that Manny Ramirez's heart-wrenching story of his emigration from Ireland was not true. Details to follow.

It's been a while

Yeah, I haven't posted in a bit. I have to be honest, it's competitive in the blogging world, and frankly... I was suspended for the last two weeks. I got out of control to get an edge. I was taking female fertility drugs, snorting ground up birth control pills, reading Cosmo, DVRing Sex and the City on TBS, having sex that I thought meant something, getting two to three mammograms per week... I was doing anything to get ahead. But I stand before you a changed man. It's all clean posting from here on out. If you want, I will even piss on your computer.

Really - I chalk it up to Franchise being Franchise. Don't judge - he doesn't.