3 days from now, Michael Jackson will rise from the dead to judge the bad from the really really bad and heal the world by beating it to a mystical Home Alone DVD, and the prophecy shall be fulfilled. Thus sayeth the Franchise.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Update
3 days from now, Michael Jackson will rise from the dead to judge the bad from the really really bad and heal the world by beating it to a mystical Home Alone DVD, and the prophecy shall be fulfilled. Thus sayeth the Franchise.
Goodbye MJ
Well, like the song says - I guess the big plastic surgeon in the sky called his name. Here's hoping the door to the little boys' section of heaven is always unlocked, Mike. You will be missed.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Handicapping The Next Starlet Sex Tape
Despite the title of this post, I am not going to pull a Tonya Harding and billyclub these girls in the knee before they can get down on camera. There is too much at stake for America. Here we go....
Miley Cyrus: Frankly, she needs the Hollywood street cred to erase the Disney stigma. Plus, consider these three points -
1) Her Dad is Billy Ray "Business up front, party in the back" Cyrus.
2) She is 16 and dating a dude who is like 35.
3) Miley is kind of gross-looking to be a real star.
All of these add up to a high aptitude for night vision camcorder calisthenics in the near future.
Odds - 3:2
Daisy of Love from VH1 fame: Haha, just kidding. She's probably already had more straight to DVD flicks than Lindsay Lohan.
Odds - Off the Books
Any daughter of Sarah Palin: Their Q rating is at an all-time high after the Letterman joke. The older one is already known as an Alaskan meat logger. Their mom seems like kind of a bitch. These factors point to a high sex tape likelihood. Bonus points if Willow Palin steps up and it is some kind of weird sci-fi sex tape with dwarves.
Odds - 5:1
Blake Lively: Man, I hope so. I would give her something to gossip about. If XOXOXO means 'hugs and kisses' in text speak, how do you say 'Franchise is doing me and filming it with his iPhone'?
Odds - 20:1
Brooke Hogan: Parents in turmoil? (check) brother killing people in drag races? (check) need to stay in limelight to keep her VH1 show? (check)... yup, Brooke could probably use a sex tape. However, who would bang this dude? Besides Eddie Murphy and A-Rod, anyway. If she does it, I hope she does a massive leg drop, and the hand to the ear for the crowd before her big O.
Odds - 10:1
Miley Cyrus: Frankly, she needs the Hollywood street cred to erase the Disney stigma. Plus, consider these three points -
1) Her Dad is Billy Ray "Business up front, party in the back" Cyrus.
2) She is 16 and dating a dude who is like 35.
3) Miley is kind of gross-looking to be a real star.
All of these add up to a high aptitude for night vision camcorder calisthenics in the near future.
Odds - 3:2
Daisy of Love from VH1 fame: Haha, just kidding. She's probably already had more straight to DVD flicks than Lindsay Lohan.
Odds - Off the Books
Any daughter of Sarah Palin: Their Q rating is at an all-time high after the Letterman joke. The older one is already known as an Alaskan meat logger. Their mom seems like kind of a bitch. These factors point to a high sex tape likelihood. Bonus points if Willow Palin steps up and it is some kind of weird sci-fi sex tape with dwarves.
Odds - 5:1
Blake Lively: Man, I hope so. I would give her something to gossip about. If XOXOXO means 'hugs and kisses' in text speak, how do you say 'Franchise is doing me and filming it with his iPhone'?Odds - 20:1
Brooke Hogan: Parents in turmoil? (check) brother killing people in drag races? (check) need to stay in limelight to keep her VH1 show? (check)... yup, Brooke could probably use a sex tape. However, who would bang this dude? Besides Eddie Murphy and A-Rod, anyway. If she does it, I hope she does a massive leg drop, and the hand to the ear for the crowd before her big O.
Odds - 10:1
Monday, June 15, 2009
ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!!!
Congrats to all the Laker / Kobe fans out there.
I bet you also rooted for the zombies in I am Legend, and Mr. Joshua in Lethal Weapon.
Seriously, Kobe is a cool dude and his new "snarling dog face" is a perfectly normal basketball thing. He definitely is not a hotel maid rapist. He just scores at will.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
True Nature Revealed
The Proust Questionnaire
My agent said I should do this to attract the more sophisticated, artsy crowd to the site... "The Proust Questionnaire has its origins in a parlor game popularized (though not devised) by Marcel Proust, the French essayist and novelist, who believed that, in answering these questions, an individual reveals his or her true nature." Here is the Proust Questionnaire as answered by Franchise.
1.What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Jammin with Toto on the musical continent of Africa.
2.What is your greatest fear?
Our national obsession with consumption will create a global shortage of Miller High Life cans and whores.
3.What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Caving to confessions under duress from police brutality.
4.What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Testimony
5.Which living person do you most admire?
Scott Baio
6.What is your greatest extravagance?
Occasionally I will give in and buy an expensive cashmere sweater, and then choke a hooker with it.
7.What is your current state of mind?
Deranged and inebriated.
8.What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
Female mouth virginity
9.On what occasion do you lie?
Special occasions and Proust Questionnaires
10.What do you most dislike about your appearance?
When I cannot see it.
11.Which living person do you most despise?
Seal, I want to hate him with his weird facial scarring and Heidi Klum-fucking, but his voice is like a Kiss From a Rose to my ears.
12.What is the quality you most like in a man?
Hero worship
13.What is the quality you most like in a woman?
Knowing that it is always time to shut up.
14.Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
“PUT THE FUCKIN LOTION IN THE BASKET”
15.What or who is the greatest love of your life?
Partying.
16.When and where were you happiest?
Summer campouts with my Dad inside Kendra Wilkinson's vagina.
17.Which talent would you most like to have?
The ability to know when a chick is on the rag.
18.If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
My record
19.What do you consider your greatest achievement?
My record
20.If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be?
Die and come back? A zombie. Duh.
21.Where would you most like to live?
On a boat.
22.What is your most treasured possession?
My date knife.
23.What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
When I have to get my own drink.
24.What is your favorite occupation?
Tons of respect for the peep show jiz moppa.
25.What is your most marked characteristic?
Much like Good Will Hunting's ability to quickly understand organic chemistry, sometimes I can just look at a party and party.
26.What do you most value in your friends?
Forgiveness and clicking on blog ads.
27.Who are your favorite writers?
Matthew, Mark, Luke, John and Franchise
28.Who is your hero of fiction?
Dirk Diggler
29.Which historical figure do you most identify with?
Kenny Loggins
30.Who are your heroes in real life?
The hard-working, courageous single mothers that I have abandoned to raise children on their own. God bless you all.
31.What are your favorite names?
Barbi, Lacey, Savannah, Sierra, Nikki, Lexxxie, Crystal, Portia, and Chuck.
32.What is it that you most dislike?
Stupid questions and condoms
33.What is your greatest regret?
Regrets, like thongs, are best left to the pussies of the world.
34.How would you like to die?
Fuck you, take your best shot.
35.What is your motto?
"Pork hard, play hard."
My agent said I should do this to attract the more sophisticated, artsy crowd to the site... "The Proust Questionnaire has its origins in a parlor game popularized (though not devised) by Marcel Proust, the French essayist and novelist, who believed that, in answering these questions, an individual reveals his or her true nature." Here is the Proust Questionnaire as answered by Franchise.
1.What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Jammin with Toto on the musical continent of Africa.
2.What is your greatest fear?
Our national obsession with consumption will create a global shortage of Miller High Life cans and whores.
3.What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Caving to confessions under duress from police brutality.
4.What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Testimony
5.Which living person do you most admire?
Scott Baio
6.What is your greatest extravagance?
Occasionally I will give in and buy an expensive cashmere sweater, and then choke a hooker with it.
7.What is your current state of mind?
Deranged and inebriated.
8.What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
Female mouth virginity
9.On what occasion do you lie?
Special occasions and Proust Questionnaires
10.What do you most dislike about your appearance?
When I cannot see it.
11.Which living person do you most despise?
Seal, I want to hate him with his weird facial scarring and Heidi Klum-fucking, but his voice is like a Kiss From a Rose to my ears.
12.What is the quality you most like in a man?
Hero worship
13.What is the quality you most like in a woman?
Knowing that it is always time to shut up.
14.Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
“PUT THE FUCKIN LOTION IN THE BASKET”
15.What or who is the greatest love of your life?
Partying.
16.When and where were you happiest?
Summer campouts with my Dad inside Kendra Wilkinson's vagina.
17.Which talent would you most like to have?
The ability to know when a chick is on the rag.
18.If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
My record
19.What do you consider your greatest achievement?
My record
20.If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be?
Die and come back? A zombie. Duh.
21.Where would you most like to live?
On a boat.
22.What is your most treasured possession?
My date knife.
23.What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
When I have to get my own drink.
24.What is your favorite occupation?
Tons of respect for the peep show jiz moppa.
25.What is your most marked characteristic?
Much like Good Will Hunting's ability to quickly understand organic chemistry, sometimes I can just look at a party and party.
26.What do you most value in your friends?
Forgiveness and clicking on blog ads.
27.Who are your favorite writers?
Matthew, Mark, Luke, John and Franchise
28.Who is your hero of fiction?
Dirk Diggler
29.Which historical figure do you most identify with?
Kenny Loggins
30.Who are your heroes in real life?
The hard-working, courageous single mothers that I have abandoned to raise children on their own. God bless you all.
31.What are your favorite names?
Barbi, Lacey, Savannah, Sierra, Nikki, Lexxxie, Crystal, Portia, and Chuck.
32.What is it that you most dislike?
Stupid questions and condoms
33.What is your greatest regret?
Regrets, like thongs, are best left to the pussies of the world.
34.How would you like to die?
Fuck you, take your best shot.
35.What is your motto?
"Pork hard, play hard."
Another New Business Venture
Are you the victim of an unwanted pregnancy? Did you forget to pull out of your last one-night-stand or high-priced prostitute with a heart of gold? Well friends, have I got a service for you.
"Airbornetion" is the new wave sweeping the nation for those unexpected seed-sowers who don't want the hassle of dealing with a pricey doctor, or can't find the time to provide a ride to the free clinic. For a small fee, I will find your insignificant other and "accidentally" toss her down the stairs or out of a (slow) moving car. Problem solved. Clearly I went to Business School for a reason. Call me. Don't let something like this ruin your whole senior year like it did for Damone.
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