Public Service Announcement: Commitment

As I stay suspended at 19 years of age and girls get older, it seems that women are more inclined to insist on commitment... and even hint at the ultimate sign of commitment.

Recently I had been getting pretty serious with a young lady, so I took her out for a romantic dinner and a hotel getaway outside of the city. When we were back at the room and I felt that the time was right, I got down on one knee and... went to insert a NuvaRing. http://www.nuvaring.com/Consumer/index.asp


Now, it turned out the girl got all upset, broke up with me and tried to place charges against me! Let's review, I had: 1) spent, literally, tens of dollars on this sign of commitment; 2) made an unspoken vow of faith despite the NuvaRing's lack of protection against commonly-transmitted STD's, including HIV; and 3) made a reasonably fair determination that she did not have a history of blood clots in her legs (thrombophlebitis), lungs (pulmonary embolism), or eyes, which may have caused her to die from, said NuvaRing.


At this point I will freely admit that I do not know what women are looking for in this crazy, mixed-up world.

A Special Invitation

August 28 vs. Chicago White Sox - 7:05 pm


Inaugural Season Jersey Koozie Night

1st 18,000 fans 21 and older
Presented by Bud Light
http://www.mlb.com/schedule/promotions.jsp?c_id=nyy


It is so good to see the Yankees remaining a class organization. Would anyone like to join me for Jersey Koozie night at the new Yankee Stadium tomorrow?

I will spring for condoms (and I recommend them when dealing with tramps from Jersey who appear to be giving themselves away for the price of a ticket), you buy the beer. Hell, we can make it a doubleheader and head out to the famed Hunkabunka in Sayreville or DJai's in Belmar afterward. Jersey sluts and baseball -- it's what America and capitalism are all about.

Ted Kennedy, Dead at 77 - A Lifetime in Pictures

Sad day indeed. Let's take a look back at some memorable moments for a man who was larger than life, if you figure life to be around 235 lbs.





Ted is congratulated upon graduating from the Barbazon School of Hair Design. He would, of course, leave the cutthroat world of cosmetology to pursue a simpler life in politics.






Ted seen setting up for his annual charitable "Chappaquiddick Crash Course in Drunk Driving and Damage Control". It has been credited with changing many lives.






Ted showing his lighter side, giving a speech in drag to schoolchildren before leading them in trick-or-treating during Halloween in Hyannis.





Ted enjoying a moment of reflection with a constituent in Massachusetts, who famously asked him: "Seriously, why did you eat the last four sandwiches?"




Ted allowing Barack Obama to escort him out of the 2008 Democratic Convention for being over-served. Many credit this move of humility and generosity on Ted's part with swaying the all-important "Drunk White Guy" vote to the Democrats.

The Reviews Are In!

I thought I would share what people are saying about The Franchise Cometh...

"He made me laugh, and then he made me walk funny the next morning." -- Megan Fox






"I get the shakes just thinking about this site." -- Michael J. Fox


"Franchise is even funnier than Jerry Lewis!" -- French people


"I want to party with Franchise." -- Charlie Sheen


"This site is gonna be even bigger than my dick!" -- Lady Gaga







"It tickles my funny bone like the small gerbil in my ass." -- Richard Gere


"Please stop repeatedly talking about how ugly I am." -- Miley Cyrus


"Fuck Maverick, Franchise can be my wing man any time." -- Val Kilmer


"Maybe Franchise can make me funny too!" -- Dane Cook

Weekend Update

Bringing you all the news I can think of while nursing a hangover and a nurse.

-- In order to prepare for NFL groupies, Brett Favre reportedly made passes at local high school girls near his home in Mississippi; in related news, new Vikings teammate Visanthe Shiancoe has been fluffing for his next locker room camera appearance.






-- Whitney Houston has confirmed the longstanding rumor that her 1992 hit "I'm Every Woman" was indeed about anal sex; Also in music trivia, the lead singer of Kings of Leon has denied that he wrote their song, "This Sex is on Fire", after sleeping with Paris Hilton during a herpes flare-up.






-- In a groundbreaking ruling, the judge in Miley Cyrus' stalking case stated: "Seriously bro, if you're gonna be a creep at least pick a hot chick."
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,537224,00.html








-- Pederasts across the nation cheered the return of Little League World Series baseball to Saturday daytime television on ABC.

Sports Clips - An Investigative Report

I heard these guys advertise on the radio this morning - www.sportsclips.com - I thought I would do a little more research for my readers. Here's what they highlight on the website:

At Sport Clips, It's good to be a guy.
-- Exciting Sports-themed environment for men
-- Watch Sports while getting your hair cut
-- No appointment necessary


Here's what they don't tell you: Sports Clips currently only offers four types of haircuts.


"The Pete Rose":





"The Oscar Gamble":







"The Chris Andersen":






and "The Boz":







Now I don't know about you, but I am going to wait until they perfect "The Jagr"... although "The Oscar Gamble" is tempting if you have a formal event coming up.

This Weekend's Advice / Bad Pun

One of the last weekends of the summer has arrived, time to live it up but still be safe. Remember, "when you lie down with nuns you wake up with bad habits".

Plax to run 2 Year button hook pattern in prison showers

NY Times - Plaxico Burress, the former Giants receiver, pleaded guilty on Thursday morning to attempted criminal possession of a weapon, in a deal with Manhattan prosecutors that will send him to prison for two years. … “This is a very sad day, because I think a very good man, who is a brilliant athlete, is unfortunately going to spend 20 months in prison,” Mr. Burress’s lawyer, Benjamin Brafman, told reporters after the court hearing. “After an agonizing period of discussion, Plaxico decided that he wanted to put this behind him as soon as possible.” Mr. Brafman said he hoped his client could rehabilitate his career with the N.F.L.

I can't help but think that in a few years, when Plax's lawyer is a bit younger and more energetic, there could have been a better ending to this curious case.

Beautiful Day in Neighborhood, Ruined by Uppity Handicapped Guy

I feel that I need to share this good deed gone wrong.  Today, I was walking down the street enjoying the sunshine and minding my own business when a mentally disabled dude in a wheelchair selling candy asked some other kid to push him down the block.  Now, the kid looks at me (who was several paces behind him and the wheelchair M&M pusher) and says he's in a hurry, can I help?  Being a man for others, I am willing to lend a hand to the less fortunate.  I ask the Candy Man where he wants to go, and then I push him the two blocks. 

Now since the gentleman is mentally disabled, when we arrive at the destination I only ask him for 10 percent of his day's take on the M&Ms.  But the salesman of the year starts pretending he doesn't understand and trying to hand a bag of peanut M&Ms to me.  Number 1 - I know you are faking, Wee Willie Loman; and Number 2 - I don't want to get hooked on that shit. Franchise's body is a temple.  At this point passersby started looking at us, so what could I do?  I took one of his wheels and was on my way. Goes to show you - no good deed goes unpunished.