The Franchise Cometh: More Critical Analysis

There is a a question that has haunted mankind even more than "Why can't Jennifer Aniston use her phenomenal ass to hang on to a man?"

That question is - "Did Zack Morris get laid on Saved By The Bell - The College Years?" Now we all know Zack had to keep his Attack in his pants when he was on the regular show during NBC's Saturday morning lineup, and we also know that when he was on NYPD Blue he got more ass than Sipowicz had short sleeved button down shirts.

But what happened in between????

After diligently watching one episode during Snowgate 2010, I have logically broken down the question by Pros and Cons to determine the answer for all of the world to see.

Pro: The hair - simply amazing.

This picture does not even do justice to how far Zack's college coiffe had matriculated from the Bayside days.

Everyone knows that college pussy is more sophisticated, and everyone also knows that college pussy melts for some frosted luscious locks.

Con: Zack still roomed with Screech. Everyone had a 'not-so-cool' friend from high school who happened to accompany you to college. If you wanted to get into heaven, maybe you still sat at the same table in the cafeteria with them... Or you stopped the football team from giving the guy a swirlie during the first week of school. But you DID NOT agree to live with the dork. College Action 101 Zack - you fail.

Pro: He obviously benefited from having the coolest RA in the history of post-adolescent supervision -- Mr. Bob Golic.

Sample imaginary conversation:
Zack: Hey Bob, we want to have a toga party in the dorm this weekend.
BG: Toga party? I don't give a fuck if you shoot your pregnant girlfriend while doing blow off the head of a midget stripper. I was in the NFL motherfucker. Here, don't use the dorm, use my boat, bitch. (this would be followed by a perfect form tackle/hug)

Con: The chicks in the adjoining suite.

First off, you've got Kelly Kapowski next door making my man insane. And Kelly was still a virgin. Matter of fact, Kelly is still a virgin. I don't care if Brandon Walsh supposedly hit that on 90210 later. In my mind, Kelly will remain as pure as the driven snow until I one day plow her into a wet, slushy, quivering mess.

Second, Zack had to deal with the kind of sneaky hot prissy WASP-y tall bitch. I couldn't find a picture of her, but she was sort of a love interest for the lad. She wore a bunch of stone-washed mom jeans so I doubt she was giving up any butt. Probably a handjob after the freshman formal. Ahh college... I miss it so

Pro: The guy could freeze time and talk to the audience. Now, I don't think he did this on camera as much in college as he did in junior high and high school, but you don't just give up this kind of power. You're telling me Zack didn't freeze time and sneak into the middle of one of those infamous Delta Delta Delta panty-less pillow fights at Cal U? And just showing up at one of those guarantees getting laid by multiple chicks, regardless of how you got there. Believe me.

Con: Two magical words -- Mario Lopez. Zack did not choose his roommates wisely. Panties drop for neon tank tops, muscles and a curly mullet. Scientific fact that cannot be disputed. I don't care if it is 1st grade or 15th grade. AC stands for Always Closin'. It's hard to compete with that thing around.