Political News

In a surprising turn of events, the Dos Equis Guy showed up to President Obama's "Beer Summit" between Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates Jr. and Cambridge, Mass., police Sgt. James Crowley
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090730/ap_on_go_pr_wh/us_obama_harvard_scholar_13

Insiders report that the Dos Equis Guy had remarkably logical and well-thought out plans to end the Iraqi conflict, solve the U.S. healthcare crisis and reinvigorate the economy, but was quickly asked to leave when his advice to Gates and Crowley was "Stay racist, my friends".

No one is above suspicion!!

With shocking reports that David "Big Papi" Ortiz may have been on the 2003 MLB positive list for banned substances... well, I am just stunned.

Next you will tell me that Rosie O'Donnell had to shave her face twice a day to keep up appearances during the filming of "A League of Their Own"?? The lesson is - we can trust no one, nowadays. In order to get out in front of future revelations, here are a few educated guesses as to the next publicized user:











SLOTH (Goonies) -- Word on the street is that he was just a mild-mannered 15th grader with Down's Syndrome and body-bbbbbbbuilding ambbbbbbbitions before he used his underground connections to bulk up and become muscle for the Fratelli Family.





Michelle Obama (White House) -- If you were within arm's reach of the most powerful man in the free world, would you not take whatever means necessary to protect yourself?






The Williams Sisters (Tennis) -- So far there is no proof that these broads are human. And until Richard Williams confesses that he implanted ovaries in Bo Jackson and impregnated her (him), I have to believe that there are some performance-enhancers involved.















He-Man (Homo) -- By the power of "GraySkull" my syringe-riddled ass, bro.










Jo Polnachiuk (The Facts of Life) -- She (he?) hid behind the Polish tomboy thing, but seemed wildly more muscularly developed than the other girls of Eastland High School. Blair still wakes up in fear of her. What exactly, was in Edna's Edible's, anyway?









Jesus (The Bible; Craig's List) -- Described as mild-mannered carpenter type... yet could be on the cover of Men's Health magazine from many of the stained glass crucifix depictions I have seen. May as well have been Jesus of "Abs"-areth for all we know. Not at all above suspicion, despite worldwide Christian following.







Khloe Kardashian (E! Network; Craig's List) -- Yeah, your sisters are "attractive" and "petite" and "gold-digging whores" with "sweet asses". But what does this picture say? One of these chicks is not like the other...









Donna (That 70's Show) -- If you think Ashton Kutcher wasn't jealous when this monster started putting up two plates on bench press in the Fox weight room, well, you are fooling yourself. That is, until she grew a persian rug on her chest and network execs had to give Topher Grace a plate full of Oxycontin just to do a read-through of a makeout scene with her. Drugs are bad, kids....

NFL Draft Debate

Now I will preface this by saying that I hate to rehash an old argument, but today's news http://www.nydailynews.com/sports/football/2009/07/21/2009-07-21_steelers_qb_ben_roethlisberger_sacked_by_lawsuit_accusing_him_of_sexual_assault.html

raises the question - which quarterback from the 2004 draft would you choose to be sexually assaulted by in a Lake Tahoe hotel room: Eli Manning, Philip Rivers or Ben Roethlisberger?

I would argue that Super Bowl rings are a detriment here as they are obviously large and could cause some internal bleeding, so I am taking Phil Rivers. But, I don't think Phil OR Eli are capable of coming up with clutch romantic lines such as: "Don't worry, I'll pull out" Or the timeless pillow talk gem: "If anyone asks, you fixed my television. Now go!" It seems Big Ben is making a forced push to prove he is more than just a system quarterback, and is actually cut more from the Joe Willie Namath mold after all. Let the talk radio debate begin again...


Editor's Note: Franchise has deemed any "quarterback sneak" jokes just too easy here.

Back from vacation

I am back from vacation with a new project on my hand. With the looming divorce of the 'Jon and Kate plus 8' parent couple blanketing the tabloids like a Michael Jackson child, The TLC network has turned to Franchise to salvage the show. It will be known next season as "Franchise and Kate: I'd Rather Masturbate". I have negotiated for there to be no time on film with the ugly broad or her kids, two subscriptions to Swank magazine, and a new endorsement deal with Lubriderm.

Rusty Griswold Lives!!

I leave for vacation tomorrow, so you will have to deal with a greater withdrawal factor than my usual sporadic posts.

In these troubled times, I want to take a moment to mention that it is not where you go on vacation, or the fancy place that you stay that makes a trip memorable -- It's how many souvenir pearl necklaces you give out on the trip, and how many bodies you can leave in your wake. These are the things that count. Just remember not to take pictures.

Please, good readers, wish me "estoy sin dormir desde ayer".

Ashanti,
Franchismo


PS - I am going to Ireland with my family, so the first part of this post was just a sad dream sequence. I will see what I can do to raise the craziness factor, however. Think: "Natalee O'Holloway - Top of the evenin' to ya!". See ya!