No one is above suspicion!!

With shocking reports that David "Big Papi" Ortiz may have been on the 2003 MLB positive list for banned substances... well, I am just stunned.

Next you will tell me that Rosie O'Donnell had to shave her face twice a day to keep up appearances during the filming of "A League of Their Own"?? The lesson is - we can trust no one, nowadays. In order to get out in front of future revelations, here are a few educated guesses as to the next publicized user:











SLOTH (Goonies) -- Word on the street is that he was just a mild-mannered 15th grader with Down's Syndrome and body-bbbbbbbuilding ambbbbbbbitions before he used his underground connections to bulk up and become muscle for the Fratelli Family.





Michelle Obama (White House) -- If you were within arm's reach of the most powerful man in the free world, would you not take whatever means necessary to protect yourself?






The Williams Sisters (Tennis) -- So far there is no proof that these broads are human. And until Richard Williams confesses that he implanted ovaries in Bo Jackson and impregnated her (him), I have to believe that there are some performance-enhancers involved.















He-Man (Homo) -- By the power of "GraySkull" my syringe-riddled ass, bro.










Jo Polnachiuk (The Facts of Life) -- She (he?) hid behind the Polish tomboy thing, but seemed wildly more muscularly developed than the other girls of Eastland High School. Blair still wakes up in fear of her. What exactly, was in Edna's Edible's, anyway?









Jesus (The Bible; Craig's List) -- Described as mild-mannered carpenter type... yet could be on the cover of Men's Health magazine from many of the stained glass crucifix depictions I have seen. May as well have been Jesus of "Abs"-areth for all we know. Not at all above suspicion, despite worldwide Christian following.







Khloe Kardashian (E! Network; Craig's List) -- Yeah, your sisters are "attractive" and "petite" and "gold-digging whores" with "sweet asses". But what does this picture say? One of these chicks is not like the other...









Donna (That 70's Show) -- If you think Ashton Kutcher wasn't jealous when this monster started putting up two plates on bench press in the Fox weight room, well, you are fooling yourself. That is, until she grew a persian rug on her chest and network execs had to give Topher Grace a plate full of Oxycontin just to do a read-through of a makeout scene with her. Drugs are bad, kids....