Sports Guy's Internal Monologue NBA Draft Diary

Many of us have enjoyed Bill Simmons' previous NBA draft diaries.  This year, Franchise was able to get an exclusive deal to broadcast Bill Simmons' ESPN-produced NBA draft internal monologue.

7:25 --

• Got rid of that bitch Sage Steele- check.
• Hair lookin' all Shoop Salt and Peppary - check.
• Voice of a pubescent boy - check.  
• Jalen Risnignose taught me some new hood slang - check. I'm ready!

7:30 --Right off the bat this no talent Bristol prick lists JizzaJay Bilas and Jalen's bball credentials, yet does not mention my College of the Holy Cross intramural championships. Or straight up dominating the Grantland staff in pickup. It's like Sage Ewing Theory 2.0

 

7:31 -- When should I say "Whoa." That killed last year.

http://www.waitingfornextyear.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/ioASoDT.gif

7:31 --Why didn't Jay-lizzy say we were doing brown with plaid and red outfits tonight? Must be a Blood thing. Not saying there's a history there. Conspiracy theory/backburner/podcast idea/bloodsfolife.

 

 

7:35 --Seeing Cleveland fans stuck in a bad marriage with management's poor decisions is like seeing my buddy J-Bug stuck in his loveless marriage and banging strippers on our Vegas boys' weekends. Nailed it.

7:36 -- Adam Silver is a charisma machine. Like Charisma Carpenter maybe?? Bet Bilas never even heard of Charisma Carpenter. She's got upside and a motor. Man, I am on fire tonight. Need to talk more. Grrr.

 

 

7:37 -- This electro shock thing I set up to Rece Davis' chair is not working. Where's the fucking producer?

7:37:30 -- Jalen using MY "fifty cents on dollar" trade value schtick. Et tu Rozay???

7:38 -- Cleveland has been officially off the clock for 30 seconds - I noticed that. Hey Belichick, need a clock management guy? I can do it.

 

 

7:47--Andrew Wiggins jacket pattern looks like the map of Hawaii that my buddy House put on the rump (not ass, okay Disney?) of a hooker back in Vegas in 1998.... no, no, got to dial it back, Billy. It's ESPN. Save it for Grantland.

 

 

7:48-- What did my agent say - shake your head and nod a lot during group shots when Feces Pieces is talking? Nailed it. Take that, Bilas.

7:50 -- I'm a tradition guy - but why the fuck are they interviewing the players? (Tries to electroshock Rece). I got jokes over here.

7:51-- I'm not an advanced stat guy - but I have to lead this ESPN studio team in audible agreements with other people's points and "can I interject?'s. Off the charts.

7:53-- Fuck, I just used, like, my sixth best TMZ joke and I went early. Kinda like House did on that hooker in Vegas '99... ok, I'm back. I'm back.

7:56-- Joel Embiid was born in Cameroon and achieved success in America... I was born in Connecticut and have achieved success on the internet. Do I use this??? Hold it. Hold it for a podcast. Jacoby will eat that up.

8:01-- Fuckin Bilas talking about athleticism like it's his "job." We get that you were an athlete. What do you know about VH1's I Love The '90s?

 

 

8:37 -- Did Bilas just make an afro/hairdo joke about 76ers pick  Elfrid Payton? Are those jokes not exclusive to my contract? Is Dolla Dolla Bilas in my head? Nah, nailed it with "can't get the hat on." Simbo is back in the center of arena. ARE YOU NOT AMUSED????

8:45-- Reese Witherspoon Davis' announcing skills are similar to his namesake' s sham marriage to Ryan Phillipe... nah, hold that one.

8:50 -- How the holy fuck does Recently Fired From Countdown Davis not go to me first when unathletic white guy Doug McDermott gets drafted??? That is my niche, nicha. Ask Jalen during commercial if I can say nicha.

8:50 - 9:00 - I'm  not talking on purpose. Not telling anybody about it either. Stew Scott on that one, Bristol.

9:01 --Me and Jalen Every Rose Has Its Thorn are gonna get drunk and pee on Rece's hotel room door later. #marriottpointseasilyerasesthatshitImeanpiss

 

 

901 - What if I start talking before Reeces Feces even asks anyone a question? Boom: roasted.

9:02 - I spent a semester abroad and watch the shit out of YouTube clips for international prospects. Who is this Italian? New catch phrase = "Triple F": Fuck Fran Fraschilla; May have some wrestling crossover there. Work on that one too. Podcast city. Also, "podcast city" has legs. That's mine.

9:05 - How happy is Counterfeit Dolla Dolla Bilas' marriage? Can I pull some Tony Parker shit and  set his wife up with poor JBug, the Cleveland Cavaliers fan of husbands. Good idea/backburner that shit/podcast/ruin Bilas.

 

 

9:07 - Who agreed to this live blog? Brain signing off.

 

 

Movie News

As if fans are not already up in arms about the controversial casting of Ben Affleck as Batman  in Warner Bros.' "Man of Steel" sequel, it has been leaked that Denzel Washington and Spike Lee will reprise their roles as Malcolm X and Shorty to play the villains in the superhero spectacular.  We have obtained early photos below. 

 

 

X and Shorty discuss the increasing tensions between the Nation of Islam and the Justice League of America, and kidnapping Superman's tailor.

 

 

 

 

The villains strut away from a successful heist, shunning the offers of bacon and ham from frightened citizens of Metropolis.

 

 

Affleck has vowed to stay true to Christian Bale's brooding, tortured portrayal of Batman.

 

 

Week 4 NFL Pics

Hey Jay Cutler, remember when this mentally-challenged Dane Cook-looking bastard fucked your girl all over a Sears after hours? If you can put that in your rear view mirror, then Ndamukong Suh attempting to dismember you should be a breeze. Take Chicago and the points.

 

 

 

 

Gavin DeGraw "In Love With Jay's Girl"

 

 

 

 

 

No Networking is Bad Networking

It may be time to delete my LinkedIn page.  I don't think this endorsement will help things.

 

 

 

 

KEVIN SPACEY, SERIAL KILLER
Kevin is adept at finding complex solutions to societal problems that he has evaluated in silent fury.  He is quick to judge and enjoys good-natured, competitive engagement with the best minds in the business.

Kevin endorses Franchise for:

• Sloth
• Envy
• Lust
• Gluttony

B.I.G. Tweets

You ever wonder what it would have been like if Twitter were around when Notorious B.I.G. was alive? I have.

Puff Daddy's old tweets would not be as entertaining.

More from Biggie: 

Sad News

The WNBA announced today that it has suffered a season-ending collective tear to its ACL and MCL. The news was particularly difficult, coming just hours after the league's announcement that it was a proud lesbian. It is just the second pro sports league, following Major Men's Lacrosse, to publicly embrace its homosexuality.

The Mushnick Battles

Phil Mushnick is a sports/media columnist with The New York Post.  As his name suggests, he is the worst person on earth.  At some point I snapped and started emailing him. The biggest surprise is that he has an iPhone.  Of course, I am usually day drinking when I send these. This is a war that will never end. Here are a few of our exchanges:

 From: "Mushnick, Phil"

Date: Mon, 4 Feb 2013 15:23:52 -0500

Subject: Re: hilarious

To: Dan

 Dan - would you prefer I allow others to dictate my opinions? Just

 kinda fall in line with rest? No can do. I know you may not believe

 this, but hiring that hooker was not mu call. Thanks - Mushnick


 Sent from my iPhone


On Feb 4, 2013, at 3:15 PM, "Dan  wrote:


 Phil,

 Do you know anyone under the age of 50?

 Have you ever read the rest of the Post on breaks from your soapbox?

 Is it tough to rail against the downfall of society's morality when

you have had a hooker as a columnist colleague?

 Your jokes rival Rick Reilly's. Keep up the good work.


 Dan 

###



12/5/12



to Phil





Do you think tv networks want games on at certain times just to make you, the Golden Girls and Matlock mad? Do you think maybe they are trying to make money and have determined these are the best times to get the largest audience? Should the owners of pro teams cater to curmudgeonly writers or the people that tune in and create their giant tv deals?








Mushnick, Phil

12/6/12



to me





Dan - I suspect that you wouldn't mind leaving your home on Christmas Day to sell peanuts for peanuts at a made-for-TV NBA game.



Sent from my iPhone
###



Dan 

9/3/10

to Phil



Teams wearing black doesn't make them

gangsters or more prone to crime, it sells more jerseys. So what?






Mushnick, Phil

9/4/10



to me





Dan - Stop, look, listen - and read - the inclusion of black, and only black, and for the last 25 years - is totally reliant on gang-established fashion. Nike knows this; so should you. - mushnick   Dan >




to Phil



Yup, the fashion industry was also trying to recruit new gang members when they created the little black cocktail dress.

Terror among us?

I meant to post something about this a while ago, but I have so many problems. So many. Anyway.

Like many Americans, when the SEALS killed Osama bin laden I thought, what about his evil offspring?? What about OMAR??????? What about the rest of the EVIL?? So I did some research.

Picture evidence #1:










Take away some of the rebellious, Middle Eastern, Islam-friendly, hip hop look, add some weak acting, and....



Picture evidence #2:







Wait, Mr. left wing, Constitution-loving, cock-ring-wearing, FBI agent, did we lose touch with Chris Moltisanti for a period of time after the Sopranos? Even A FUCKING BRIEF PERIOD OF TIME?? Did we Mr. G-Man?? Sean Connery wants to know if you bring baba ganoush to a fucking falafel fight??



Picture evidence #3:





Methinks, yes.







Did he try to fool us in the episode where he got made? Yes, America, yes...

Picture evidence #4:









But did he sit on and kill Adrianna's dog in a heroin binge just for fun?

Picture evidence #5:










Once again. Unequivocally, yes.












So where do we stand? I don't know America. Omar Moltisanti just poured you a shot. Where do you stand?

More of a PSA than a post

I saw this on the interwebs recently from Miss Lohan.
















Remind anyone else of other washed up former superstars?
















Don't do drugs, girls. Unless you live by me. Or you want to get Ram Jammed. In which case, if you are interested in getting Ram Jammed, just show up at Uno Pizza on double dish / double tequila night.

Cue NBC's "The More You Know" music.

Some day Weird Al and I will cut an album

It's been a while, but once again I've been inspired by song. This one goes out to my pal who invented this song title, and to John Mayer for when he was hitting off Jessica Simpson during the six months of the year she was bingeing.


I drank all afternoon
You eat entrees for two
One thing they'll never do
is discover me
discovering you



One mile to every inch of
Your skin like rubbermaid
One head like a corrugated lid and
Your beef jerky tongue

'Cause if you want love
I'll fake it
Your skin flaps
Like blankets
Take all the bed supports
And break 'em
Maybe I'm a pudge-o-phile?









Her body was a garbage can
Her body was a garbage (cut off my hands)
Her body was a garbage can




Something 'bout the way I only f*ck her face.
The dress she wore, well it looks just like a pillowcase
God bless the blackouts bro
Though I might wake to find it
I'll never let the door hit her ass
Without my hand behind it


Her body was a garbage can
Her body was a garbage (without a tan)
Her body was a garbage can

Damn baby
Please castrate me
I know you're mine all mine all mine
But you can't believe it's not butter all the time


Fatty fat fatty fat fat fat
Fatty fat cer-tain-ly not real slim
Her body was a garbage can
Her body was a garbage (she ate my hand)
Her body was a garbage can
Her body was a garbage can

I'm back... maybe

Please excuse my absence, I have been in the bathroom. A few things that brought me out of hiding:


In 'the bright side of civil unrest' news, I have agreed to accept a position in the new Egyptian cabinet as the minister of Funk.




When asked his occupation upon checking into rehab, Charlie Sheen said, "Well I'm an actor, but I really want to die-wrecked."









Betty White apparently won a SAG award tonight. Had no idea they had a breast catgory. This recent resurgence for the Golden Girl is pissing me off. No one was celebrating her when I was hitting that ten years ago...














The NFL Pro Bowl is like an all star porn cast got together for an orgy and then everybody stands around jerking off while Bill Belichick secretly films and grimaces.

Football Analysis You Have Been Missing...

It's been said time and time again, the difference between a good pro QB and a good college QB is being able to look quickly to your third and fourth options...

From the Ben Roethlisberger Georgia police report:
"I don't know what I can ... do," she said. "I'm a little girl and he's a big boy."

The victim told police she is 5-foot-4 and weighs 145 pounds.

Ben obviously saw the tight ends in the bar were covered and audibled to an eligible lineperson.

World Cup Preview

Ok - I don't know much about soccer other than you take your shirt off after you score, which frankly is counter-intuitive to the American sexual order of things, but I digress. However, what I do know about the South African-hosted World Cup boils down to four words: Rika van den Haas.


Who is that you ask? Only the freakin hottest chick in the world from Lethal Weapon 2, whose character was:
1) South African (I think)
2) KILLED mercilessly by South Africans, all for the love of Krugerrand!

To summarize, this girl was soooo hot and took her shirt off in a movie I saw when I was 12. South Africans killed her. They also seemed verrry into that apartheid thing, which was pretty uncool. There you have it, the World Cup in a nutshell. Enjoy the action.

Caption Contest

Everyone has AIDS! Not just HIV but full blown AIDS!!




No, Kobe!! That's not a Denver hotel maid!!! Pull out!

Financial News

FDIC shuts down three Puerto Rico banks, claims they just had that "shady Puerto Rican look"

SAN FRANCISCO (MarketWatch) -- Three bank failures in Puerto Rico on Friday raised the tally of failed U.S. banks for the year to 60, according to the Federal Deposit Insurance Corp. Puerto Rico's Westernbank will be taken over by Banco Popular; Eurobank will be taken over by Oriental Bank and Trust; and R-G Premier Bank of Puerto Rico will be taken over by Scotiabank. The three banks claimed to have a combined total of $20.42 billion in assets and $14.84 billion in deposits, but could only produce loose change and 6 packs of Parliaments when confronted by FDIC officials.

FDIC chairperson Sheila Bair commented, "I've seen these Puerto Rican banks loitering around my financial marketplace for far too long. The Board and I have just always had the feeling that they're up to no good! When we investigated further, we determined that there were Hispanic men with guns inside all three banks. Guns! I wanted to give all their ill-gotten funds to that nice hard-working Oriental bank, but I was told I couldn't do that." Reached on his car phone, vice president Joe Biden said, "This is probably another big fucking deal isn't it?"

###

Goddammit, Even More Music

I too get criticism from time to time, believe it or not. Certain people who shouldn't be able to vote, say "this is the most mysoginistic site since
www.billclinton1996.com". Well, let me make it up to you the best way I know how - through song (again). Here's one for the ladies - you've been scorned. To the tune of Jimmy Buffett's Cheeseburger In Paradise, here is a little ditty about how Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback, Big Ben Roethlisberger, has acted toward the fairer sex over the last year.


Tried to amend my sexual proclivities
Made it nearly three hundred days
Watchin tape without rape, savin Rooney face
Goin out on dates without the roofies or the mace!





But at night I would have these wonderful dreams
Some kind of sensuous treat
Not zucchini, fettucini or Bulgar wheat
But a bathroom with a lock and a really drunk treat

Chorus:
Roethlis-berger just raped chicks twice (raped them twiiice)
They're hopin to hell he don't have pubic lice (pubic liiiice)
He's not too particular, not too precise
Roethlis-berger should invest in some underwear ice



Heard about the old time football men
They banged the same thing again and again
Hookers and wives - they waited to hear "yes"
Well it reminds Ben of the menu at a holiday inn express

Times have changed for Steelers these days
When Ben's in Georgia he only cares what he needs
Not just blondes or brunettes or redheads, please
But that lack of consciousness on which Ben feeds!

Chorus:
Roethlis-berger feels no need to entice
He'll do you on the floor with a condom to be nice (to be niiice)
No DN-A, but a big civil suit price (civil priiiice)
Chicks in a coma are a Roethlisbergerian paradise!!

Bangin a chick beats bein a mastur-bat-or
Walkin out of the bar with blue balls - see ya later
Big civil suit and from the commish he'll hear
Well good god almighty which way should Ben steer!






Chorus:
Roethlis-berger needs dating advice (needs adviiiiice)
Maybe # 7 should take a vacation from the vice (no more viiiice)
Non-consensual sex is somethin he should sacrifice (sacrifice)
You're an NFL QB, you're not former American Idol Bo Bice
Groupies will probably do you, so don't strike thrice
Ben Roethlis-berger just raped chicks twice!!!

Oprah: The Sh*t They Should Have Written

Some chick named Kitten Kelly apparently has written a wild, unauthorized biography of Oprah Winfrey. Oprah is pissed and the chick will probably be dead within days, but as your literary advocate Franchise has read the book and realized there is so much more about Oprah that can be interpreted between the lines.

Here are the highlights that you may not see in the mainstream media:

-- Oprah usually maintains a standard diet and her weight fluctuations are actually not due to dessert/high carb binges. In fact, once a year she eats a small Vietnamese family in a show of power and a shot at communism. She would have an hour-glass figure if it were not for her patriotism.






-- Oprah asked God to remove a rib from her body in order to create President Obama.





-- Oprah not only has better ratings, she is way gayer than Ellen DeGeneres.





-- As part of his Harpo Productions development deal, Dr. Phil can no longer f*ck his wife or any of his patients unless he is wearing a latex Oprah mask.





-- Oprah spoke with God again and bartered two orders of Outback Steakhouse ribs to his greater glory in order to create Gabourey Sidibe.





-- People make a big deal out of her give-away show, but Oprah finds all of that shit in her garage and she gets 50 percent of the value back in taxes because she runs the American government.