Oprah: The Sh*t They Should Have Written

Some chick named Kitten Kelly apparently has written a wild, unauthorized biography of Oprah Winfrey. Oprah is pissed and the chick will probably be dead within days, but as your literary advocate Franchise has read the book and realized there is so much more about Oprah that can be interpreted between the lines.

Here are the highlights that you may not see in the mainstream media:

-- Oprah usually maintains a standard diet and her weight fluctuations are actually not due to dessert/high carb binges. In fact, once a year she eats a small Vietnamese family in a show of power and a shot at communism. She would have an hour-glass figure if it were not for her patriotism.






-- Oprah asked God to remove a rib from her body in order to create President Obama.





-- Oprah not only has better ratings, she is way gayer than Ellen DeGeneres.





-- As part of his Harpo Productions development deal, Dr. Phil can no longer f*ck his wife or any of his patients unless he is wearing a latex Oprah mask.





-- Oprah spoke with God again and bartered two orders of Outback Steakhouse ribs to his greater glory in order to create Gabourey Sidibe.





-- People make a big deal out of her give-away show, but Oprah finds all of that shit in her garage and she gets 50 percent of the value back in taxes because she runs the American government.