OK, one more baseball-related piece of news

So the Cardinals decided to hire famed steroid cheat Mark McGwire as their hitting instructor, huh? This is a bit of a suprise move by manager, Tony Larussa. But it should only be interpreted in the context of the team's overhaul of the entire coaching/advisory staff. Luckily, we have access to the 2010 St. Louis Cardinals' entire strategery:



Tommy Lee will serve as the team chaplain, and unofficial moral and spiritual guide.









Ted Williams will tutor minor leaguers on the psychological aspects of the game -- aka "Keeping Your Head With Ted"

















Gordon Gekko and Bernie Madoff will share a role as the team's investment adviser.






Mickey Mantle will be hired in a specially-created posthumous role designed to encourage responsible drinking and spousal fidelity.










Jon Gosselin and Travis Henry will co-chair a series of seminars on proper parenting.










Stevie Wonder will coach third base and drive the team bus.

Playoff Baseball Announcing

I get various forms of this question a lot -- The short answer is: Yes, the TBS announcing crew for the Championship Series is horrible. And yes, Chip/Skip/Fwip Caray has broken Mike Brady's http://www.nndb.com/people/088/000024016/ career record for saying "fisted" on television.








But lost in all of this is the fact that former NY Mets pitcher, Ron Darling, is absolutely crushing it in his analysis on the TBS broadcasting team. It's the same type of lack of respect as when he was with the 1986 Mets -- Darling did a ton of coke but never got as much notice as guys like Strawberry, Gooden and Hernandez. Sometimes the truly great ones fly underneath the radar. Keep on doing what you're doing, Ronnie.

We're Talking Baseball, One More Time

Ahhh the baseball at-bat intro song, it's usually just a verse or a melody, but it can be so telling about the player himself. Think of Jeter coming up to his first at-bat tonight -- while 'Still Not A Playa' by Big Punisher sets the scene for the crowd. As we kick off the Championship Series' here are the top ten player at-bat intro songs of all time, as determined by Franchise.


10. John Kruk - 'Cheeseburger Is Paradise' by Jimmy Buffett










9. Izzy Alcantara - 'Everybody Was Kung Fu Fighting' by Carl Douglas







8. Jackie Robinson - 'Black or White' by Michael Jackson





7. Chuck Knoblauch - 'Smack My Bitch Up' by The Prodigy





6. Uggie Urbina - 'How I Could Just Kill A Man' by Cypress Hill






5. Rickey Henderson - 'Me, Myself and I' by De La Soul





4. Dave Cone - 'I Touch Myself' by The DiVynyls







3. Mike Piazza - 'The Sweetest Taboo' by Sade







2. Jim Abbott - Any Drum Solo by Def Leppard









1. Ichiro - 'I Turn My Camera On' by Spoon

Weather Report

I'm sick. Google kicked me out of Adsense. And then to top it off, I go outside to this foul weather today. What a mess out there, why you might say, it's...





It's wetter than Khloe Kardashian at an NBA shootaround.







It's wetter than the OctoMom on Thanksgiving when the turkey baster comes out.






It's wetter than Jaycee Dugard at a Walmart tent sale.








It's wetter than Paula Abdul at a Mexican pharmacy.








It's wetter than Barbie when Ken mastered G.I. Joe's kung fu grip.







It's wetter than Mackenzie Phillips on Father's Day.








It's wetter than Vanna White playing a friendly game of Scrabble.











It's wetter than Heidi Klum at a burn ward unit.










It's wetter than the Hillside Honda chick when the Cash-For-Clunkers program was announced.








It's wetter than one of Ice Cube's chicks when the Lakers are up 10 pts with two minutes left in the fourth quarter against the Supersonics.








It's wetter than Kate Hudson in any month except October (last series was a fluke).

Helpful Franchise

Once again, I have been out of the loop. What have I been doing? I have been partying. So I thought I would help you out with Franchise's "Partying Tips". Play by these rules and you will live a short, but exciting life.


If you are going to stick yo dick in da mashed potatoes, you should try just a nipple first to gauge temperature.









If you look around the room and you can't see anyone else partying, then you are the party. Congratulations, I will meet you at Rehab.




If you're doing some fucking partying with family it is ok. If you're doing some fucking and some partying with family, then you really need some help, Mackenzie.







If you puke and no one notices, it's like a tree falling in the forest when no one is around. Except there is puke on the floor instead of branches. Throw napkins on the puke and engage a nerd in deep philosophical conversation. Walk away and tell others that "Johnny Philosopher" just puked.





If you get a "not so fresh feeling" from partying, you may have peed your pants a little. Address the problem and move on.




If no bars are open, I've found that there are always lots of fun people still awake in jail, and you can get a free ride there!




















If someone is filming you, keep in mind that your kids could see this one day - so for god's sake, fluff!





If you are going to do drugs, the rule of thumb is pass to your left and give Franchise two of whatever you have, plus all of the money in your wallet. That oughta teach you to do drugs.




If you are going to drink and drive, make sure you have a good reason - like, "driving is my passion", or "the open road is my canvas, art shall not be denied".







If you meet someone whom you like while partying, let them know! Casually drop them a copy of the aforementioned video of your fluffed package and let the sparks fly.





If you party too hard and pass out early, expect to be written on in marker or have your limbs dismembered at the joints. Depending of course, on whether it was a fraternity or Russian mafia party.
















If you want to express your affection for a young lady, do not send her a message that says "I want to party in your mouth". Subtle trickery is the key, send "My friend wants to party in your mouth."