While stuck in Business School, I created yet another alter ego named Chest Rockwell to write a humor/advice column. You can link to most of Chest's archives below, and I've included a couple pieces on the recruiting and internship process here. Update - I am including Chest's graduation speech and the only interview he ever graced us with. They are just so good...
http://www.themsj.com/user/index.cfm?event=displayAuthorProfile&authorid=2436491
Who needs Vault? Chest Rockwell's guide to interviews...
By: Chest Rockwell
Posted: 11/20/06
It has come to Chest's attention that several school clubs are updating their handbooks on sample interview questions in the never-ending quest to aid your job search. Well your friend Chest has one-upped them again and put together a list of actual questions, along with interpretations and instructions on how to respond. If you don't get a job now, my guess is that you are just stupid.
Question: Tell me about a time when you were presented with a lot of data and you were able to decipher it for a positive result? (Here you want to articulate a response in clear CAR format)
Sample Response: (CONTEXT) Well at my old job, HR confronted me with the fact that I had used up all of my vacation and sick days by May of the calendar year. (ACTION) There was no way I was coming to work every day for 7 months in a row, so I went back through the numbers and HR manual. (RESULT) I discovered a loophole existed so that I could file for paternity leave and take up to three weeks off. I gave myself very positive feedback regarding this news, and the leave of absence was implemented by several of my friends.
Question: Tell me about a leader whom you admire and what traits of theirs that you would like to emulate? (This question is obviously a desperate ploy for flattery)
Sample Response: I would definitely say (insert interviewer's name and wink). (Interviewer's name) is a great leader and I really admire his/her (insert "briefcase" or "power suit" or "bob haircut", as appropriate). I hope to some day demonstrate a similar flair for (briefcases/power suits/bob haircuts).
Question: Here is the scenario - revenues are down, your customer base is stagnant, BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH. (These are ALWAYS trick questions. It is imperative to remember that the scenario/case/numbers do not matter, and that you do not make eye contact during the description. Look up to the ceiling intently instead).
Sample Response: I would have to say (dramatic pause) - I would Buy Low and Sell High, Bob. (This technique is especially effective if your interviewer's name is Bob. If they demand a numerical answer, always go with 7 because it is seen as very lucky in the business world.)
Question: Tell me about how you have worked with a difficult team member in the past. (This question is designed to determine your "people skills". "People skills" however, like unicorns and quiet ERB students, are mythical.)
Sample Response: Whenever I sense that there will be a difficult team member I like to bestow my leadership upon them (this is a great phrase to use) at an early point. Oftentimes I can tell a difficult teammate just by looking at them and before they even become unruly (prescient leaders are hard to come by). I try to cut them down in front of the rest of the team with a pithy insult, or by kicking their computer. They almost always fall into line and the rest of my team knows who to respect.
Question: Tell me about what you consider your greatest success? (They only ask this if they are bored. They are looking for an entertaining story to stay awake.)
Sample Response: (At this point it is completely acceptable to borrow a page from Hollywood). Well, I spent two years at Holy Cross junior college before I was finally allowed to enroll at Notre Dame, meet Roc the groundskeeper, walk on the football team, earn the begrudging trust of my teammates, and sack the quarterback in a Fighting Irish uniform. (It is important that this be a run-on sentence description of the movie plot due to time constraints. The best descriptions will earn tears/a standing ovation from interviewers.)
Chest Rockwell is an MBA2 who lives in a van down by the river. He is available for retirement planning, spooning and bocce tournaments for a nominal fee. You can contact him at chestrockwell@umich.edu.
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Chest's advice on what to expect from summer internships
Chest Rockwell
Issue date: 1/29/07 Section: Humor
For those of you who are not graduating, it's probably time to decide what to do for the summer. Now your first choice should be working as a bartender at the Peach Pit After Dark, or as a cabana boy at the Malibu Sands with the Bayside gang. Alas, due to economic and resume concerns, these options may not be as realistic as you once dreamed. With this in mind, Chest has created a guide to the nuances of the corporate summer internship. A little preparation can make this process move along swimmingly, just remember to carefully weigh these simple considerations:
Choose your internship wisely
You should absolutely work for a company that you would never choose as a full-time employer. This will probably seem counter-intuitive until you recognize that by taking an option on a job that you do not want, you are giving yourself free rein to get paid to do nothing for three months. Besides, only about one-third of interns end up working for their summer employer (Chest actually had his intern look this stat up with OCD), so a full-time job probably would not work out for you anyway. Realize this and move on to more important factors.
Will there be travel?
As you are choosing between companies that you don't want to work for, travel is a very important consideration. Now, you might be saying to yourself, "Chest has been sniffing glue again, interns almost never travel for work during the summer." To this I say, "Do you have some glue I can borrow?" And more to the point, you want to find a supervisor who will be traveling for the majority of your twelve weeks with the company. Remember the golden rule of internships: Any day your supervisor is out of the office is a day that you do not have to come in either. The corollary to this rule is that if your supervisor is not scheduled to travel a sufficient amount, you should gain access to their calendar and book trips for them.
How will I spend the majority of my work day?
During the recruiting process, many of your colleagues will be asking questions about their responsibilities and the nature of their summer projects. This is just stupid. Since responsibility is as foreign to you as a shower is to the kid who sits next to me in Finance, you have more important questions. Ask to see the cafeteria and the gym. It is my experience that you can kill about four hours per work day in these important areas.
It's not what you know, but who you know
If you've ever worked in a large office before, you know that the administrative assistants and IT people are powerful potential allies. If you can make friends with these groups, you can ensure that your personal days will not be tallied, expenses will be rubberstamped, and incriminating animal porn can be put on enemy computers if necessary. So by all means, get these folks on your side - sleep around if you have to/want to.
Getting along with the team
Most intern classes are comprised of students from several top MBA programs. It is best to get off on the right foot immediately, and assert your dominance over these fellow MBAs. Employment experts have several schools of thought on best practices here, but Chest subscribes to the prison mindset. Simply pick out the largest member of the group and repeatedly throw their head off the nearest wall.
Time off for bad behavior
Most people do not know this, but there is an opportunity in the internship process to get out early for bad behavior. The investment in summer employees is a pittance to giant corporations. They are basically gambling that a certain percentage of these employees will join full-time, so it is all written off as recruiting costs. That project that you sweat over for two months will most certainly go in a file cabinet for the next nine months until they have to show next year's recruits what "worthwhile analysis" last year's class accomplished. Armed with this knowledge, a very select few interns can behave so badly that they will be removed from their summer duties with pay. Basically this is reserved for the Intern Hall of Fame, but what you want to hear from management around the six-week mark is something along the lines of: "Everyone hates you and some people are scared of you, please do not come in anymore and we will continue to pay your salary."
Representing the University
If you cannot get fired with pay, and even though you don't really want a job… please try to represent Michigan well. This can be achieved by wearing formal clothes to your final presentation. A tuxedo or a ballroom gown is strongly recommended. It is also a big advantage if you can perform card or sleight-of-hand tricks while you are transitioning between your PowerPoint slides. Your division president won't remember your NPV numbers, but will certainly recall that you pulled a silver dollar out of his navel.
The Pre-Emptive Strike
When the summer ends, most of your friends will be worried about full-time offers. You, however, will be sitting pretty because you have thought this through already. The key is to reject your employer before they reject you. This is also a fun conversation because HR people secretly adore the idea of giving bad news. Your pre-emptive strike will leave the HR person in shambles. Typical break-up lines are appropriate here: "It's not you, it's me… At this stage in my life, I am not ready to settle down… I just want to cash checks from other people." It is also acceptable to remind the HR representative that despite your behavior this summer, you will most likely triple their salary in your first year out of school.
Chest Rockwell is an MBA 2 and Humor Columnist for the MSJ. He really hopes to lose "it" at this weekend's Winter Formal. As always, you can contact him at chestrockwell@umich.edu unless he owes you money.
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Chest's final words: The speech they didn't want you to hear
Recently, several of his classmates asked Chest to write a graduation speech. Initially, he simply declined and took a swing at them. After a little consideration, he put together the following
Hello everyone. I'd like to welcome our distinguished faculty, administration, alumni, and of course, my fellow students. For those of you who don't know me, I have been writing in the Monroe Street Journal as Chest Rockwell for the past year and I have certainly made fun of every last one of you during my tenure at Ross. I would also like to welcome the families of my Ross classmates. It was obviously your love, support, and nurturing that helped produce the over-achieving, slightly neurotic, money and power-obsessed bunch that stands before you today. You should be proud - most of the students who received their Masters in Arts or Sciences will be driving home with their parents to their old bedrooms later today.
Graduation brings back so many memories. I still remember the first of what seemed to be an interminable set of MLP meetings when we arrived at Ross. For those of you unfamiliar with Ross acronyms, MLP stands for… something about leadership… or purgatory… or Luke Perry… well I am 99 percent sure it was about Luke Perry. Moving on. When a few of my classmates asked me to consider speaking today, my first thought was: "But what if there are cops there?" My second thought was: "Don't go in there without a framework. You know these kids eat up the frameworks." So I give to you, Chest Rockwell's Five Forces for Attacking Life.
MONEY - The first force. We came back to school to make more money. If you disagree, you are lying to yourself or you are a non-profit loser. We are graduating now, so hopefully we will begin making money again. I, for one, am tired of drinking non-imported beer and snorting non-Columbian cocaine. I am ready to join the glitterati again. They say money is the root of all evil, but I tend to punch them in the kneecap. Bring it on. If you make enough money, you can determine what they say. I love this country.
POWER - The second force. You know how everyone hates "the boss"? Well you only hate the boss when you are not the boss. They say power is intoxicating, and I know that most of you enjoy being intoxicated. When you are in power you never have to pick up your own dry-cleaning, and your suits have weird stains on the pants. Power is good.
RESPECT - The third force. Unfortunately, respect usually only comes through force. Luckily, you have had two years to work out so you should be a force to be reckoned with by now. Hit first and ask questions later. This is the only way to demand respect in the workplace and the world. Those that disagree do not bench press enough.
REPUTATION - The fourth force. For a long time I had no respect for this particular force. I mean, I had a terrible reputation yet I bedded many of Manhattan's finest women. As I matured, I learned that reputation is indeed important. Let me give you an example. I worked hard for a couple of years at my old job. My reputation within the firm became strong. I then spent four years surfing the Internet and drinking at lunch. My "reputation" carried me through, and ensured that I continued to not only keep my job, but that I also made more and more money. Let me repeat that I love this country.
MATERIAL GOODS - The final force. I urge all of you to buy Range Rovers, tanning beds and prostitutes. This is a dangerous time for our country. We have to support the war on missing weapons of mass destruction through commerce. There has been a distinguished pattern of conspicuous consumption in this nation that we cannot afford to let go of. I ask all of you - how much is your current credit card debt and how close is it to your limit? In my humble opinion it is not nearly close enough. When you leave here today, if you take nothing else away from my little talk, go buy something!! No one really respects you unless you have brand name goods in your possession.
Please take these five forces and go dominate the world. I know many of you are capable, but I still don't like many of you. Keep in mind that your W-2 is not the be all and end all of who you are. In the end, it is how many shots you can do without puking. I wish you all well, and may all of your wives be trophy wives.
The Events staff summarily rejected this speech, we are not sure why. They may or may not be communists. If you would like to hear Chest speak, please email them at events@umich.edu.
Chest Rockwell is an MBA 2, and he usually brings two girls to a Three-Way Stop Sign. As always, you can email him at chestrockwell@umich.edu.
A few things off his Chest: An exclusive interview with Mr. Rockwell
Bowing to popular demand, this week the MSJ has decided to use Chest Rockwell's column space to do an in-depth interview with the author himself. This conversation was taped over Spring Break at The Grasshopper Coffee Shop in Amsterdam, and the unedited transcript is included. MSJ: Let me just say that on behalf of the entire staff, it is a pleasure to finally meet you.
Chest: Thank you, likewise. You are picking up the tab here, correct?
MSJ: Yes, of course. Everyone is dying to know more about the man behind the myth. My first impression is that you are a very spiritual person - is that accurate?
Chest: I mean, I don't think I am any more spiritual than the next guy. I put my chaps on one ass-less leg at a time. (Long pause) Yes, I am an ordained minister in several religions, and yes, I own the complete Love Boat DVD set, and I can make pancakes in the shape of most of the major deities… Sometimes I come up with ideas that people follow, like the 'Prescription Drug Crawl' in 2003, but does that make me spiritual? I don't know. My sense is that the world is like a 'combination platter' at a Mexican restaurant. There are several ways you can go, but there is no getting away from the rice and beans. It is just that simple.
MSJ: What do you do in your spare time?
Chest: I think I let loose just like a lot of MBAs. I have a small greenhouse in my backyard where I grow artificial flowers and really big bonsai trees. I race Segways in a league against former TV child stars. Sometimes I get a few classmates together and host hamster fights in my basement. Brewing absinthe has always been a hobby of mine.
What else? Hmmmm…. Like most of the free world, I keep up with Interpol's Most Wanted List and I have a fantasy pro curling team. It's always fun to go down to the mall and shoot BB guns at people who park in the handicapped spaces. Once in awhile you bust a cap in someone who's not even handicapped.
MSJ: We are so lucky to have you as a member of our school - how did you choose Ross amongst all of the other business schools?
Chest: Actually Ross chose me in a way. I did not apply to grad school. One day I got a call from Bill Martin (Editor's Note: Martin is the Athletic Director for the University of Michigan). Apparently Bill had seen some YouTube footage of a 1992 NYC high school playoff basketball game where I had gone off for twelve points in the last two minutes of the fourth quarter. He sensed I was a tremendous natural athlete from the footage, so he did some homework and figured out that I had NCAA eligibility remaining. After a brief courtship, he offered me a scholarship to any of Michigan's schools if I would come play a sport for the Wolverines. I chose the business school because of the girls. Ha - I am kidding. Just wanted to make sure you were still listening. Anyway, I blew out my knee during a rodeo a couple of days before arriving in Ann Arbor, so I couldn't play varsity athletics. I was able to keep my scholarship however. Bill Martin is a man of honor. We still practice Tai Chi together.
MSJ: That is an interesting way to arrive at business school. But what did you do before school?
Chest: Actually, I did choose the B-school for a reason. I was a bouncer at Satin Dolls Gentleman's Club in New Jersey before coming to Ross. I had worked there for awhile and felt like I had reached a plateau in my career. Eventually I asked around and found out that you needed an MBA to make the jump to management in that business. Combine that with Bill Martin's offer, and the decision was as clear to me as the urine I buy to submit to my probation officer for random testing.
MSJ: There are so many clubs and organizations at Ross that must have been vying for your attention - how did you end up writing for the MSJ?
Chest: I have always loved writing - right now I am working on a screenplay for a feature length version of The Facts of Life - but I think I gravitated to the MSJ to achieve a real sense of belonging. When I first got to Ann Arbor and I would hit someone over the head with a beer bottle in the bar, I would yell "East Coast!" or "Marketing Club, bitch!" But truth be told, both of those felt a little hollow. Now when I smash someone with a beer bottle, I yell, "Monroe Street Journal, sucka!!!" and I think it just means a lot more. Again, it's really about establishing a sense of family for me.
MSJ: Many consider you a great leader. What changes do you think we need to make at Ross to improve the school?
Chest: First off, I want to go on record that my groups schedule entirely too many meetings. This has to stop right away. Being a second year "student" I no longer attend these meetings, but the Outlook invitations are really annoying.
Second, I think the school is becoming too elitist in its admissions policy. I know good, highly capable folks who have been denied acceptance to Ross simply because they are illiterate or are three-time felons. If we keep this up we will have a school full of robot clones that may eventually band together and try to take over campus. Have we learned nothing from what's happened at Northwestern?
Third, I would replace the salad bar in the Executive Cafeteria with a tequileria, and put a log flume ride somewhere in the new campus design.
MSJ: You have such a gift for words. Who are your writing influences?
Chest: I would have to give credit to a lot of the standard American greats… there's JD Salinger, Hunter S. Thompson, Tom Wolfe… and Marty from Yonkers, NY writes a mean Penthouse Forum letter. All of those folks have greatly influenced my work.
MSJ: Any truth to the rumor that you will be the commencement speaker for the Ross Class of 2007?
Chest: I am not sure this place is ready for that, but I promise to keep you posted.
MSJ: As you mentioned before, you are a second year MBA. What are your plans for after graduation?
Chest: This has been quite an experience. I need some time to unwind, relax and get my head on straight - so I will be enrolling in law school in the fall.
Chest Rockwell is an MBA 2 and Humor Editor for The Monroe Street Journal. His looks are his business, and business is good. As always, you can reach him at chestrockwell@umich.edu.
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