Amid Growing Concerns About U.S. Economy, Vice Presidential Candidate Palin Drops Out of Race to Pursue the Sex Trade

Washington D.C. (September 29) - In a shocking turn of events following the congressional rejection of a federal economic bailout package, Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin has announced she is dropping out of the race. "Listen, everything's going to hell. I've got to look out for my family and now I've got illegitimate grandkids to feed. Frankly, I've received a great number of fantastic offers with this newfound fame. Has anybody even looked at what they pay a vice president nowadays? If Congress is gonna let this country go to shit... well, I may as well make my money while I can", said Palin in a rambling but prepared statement.

Ms. Palin went on to describe how she has signed a far-reaching personal licensing, film and appearance deal with Vivid Video Productions Company. Industry experts estimate the deal to be worth well over 10 million dollars per year, which Ms. Palin has requested be paid in the Saudi Riyal currency. Vivid's CEO, who wished to remain anonymous due to outstanding federal bench warrants, commented: "It's the glasses, man. She is a fuckin sexy chick. The American people have spoken." When asked if she would ever reconsider, Ms. Palin commented, "No, it's in my contract that the glasses have to stay on."

Continued Literary Series

With the successful completion of my first book under my belt(http://thefranchisecometh.blogspot.com/2008/09/lo-siento.html), I have been signed to a multi-volume series of educational childrens' stories. The second in the series will be called Everybody's Pee Burns (At Some Point in Your Life) and will tackle discussing common STDs with your child. It is a working title, and the release date is tentatively scheduled in time for Mardi Gras.

New TV season reviews

Entourage (HBO, Sundays at 10 pm) --




Vinny Chase is the only leading man in Hollywood who needs to worry about a progressing hairline. If this continues, he will be playing an Iraqi vagina for his next big film in Season 6.






Sex with Mom and Dad (MTV, Weeknights at 7 pm) -- Despite Dr. Drew Pinsky's approval, I cannot condone incest on my television.
















True Blood (HBO, Sundays at 9 pm) --




From what I can tell so far, this is a cheap southern trash Dukes of Hazzard ripoff with the new hook being weird teeth. Anna Paquin leads the cast and Michael Strahan is rumoured to be joining later in the season.























Charm School 2: Rock of Love Girls (VH1, Sundays at 9 pm) -- VH1 is now officially more dependent on whores than even Charlie Sheen was in the late 1980s.

Injury Report

We have to make the NFL a focus right now as the season is in full force. Here is this week's injury report so you can dominate your bets and purchase that fantasy hooker.

Tom Brady: Suffering from priapism (erection for four or more hours) -- Out, but really in a better place now

Brett Favre: Unable to walk on water due to leg injury, but will play -- Probable deity

Vince Young: Enlarged tear ducts -- Mom says he is Questionable, but not to judge

Every Kicker: Teammates think they are pussies -- Probable Foreigner

Plaxico Burress: Dislocated cell phone-dialing finger -- Suspended

J.T. O'Sullivan: Missing Lucky Charms -- Doubtful

Melissa Stark: Stitches -- Will Play Rough

Warren Sapp: Complete loss of testosterone and pride -- Out for career

Topical like an ointment

A few thoughts on various topics, as we start another stupid work week:



Politics
I am concerned for America's environment if Governor Palin is elected vice president. She has proven that she will let anyone drill anywhere. Look at her daughter.


The Economy
We can break this economic slump if we can simply convince young rappers to engage in some conspicuous consumption. Stop with the long-term-growth conservative investment vehicle strategies, yo!


Legal News
I think Dirk Diggler has a strong copyright infringement case against Subway for the "$5 foot long" ad campaign. It's clearly a cheap take-off on Dirk's ground-breaking "5 bucks to see it, 10 if it's hard" campaign in 1980. Tsk, tsk Subway.

Personal
I am still the kind of guy who brings two girls to a 3-way Stop sign. I am an excellent driver.

The NFL Week That Will Be

Unable to find a receiver, Favre announces retirement


Facing a 3rd and long with his receivers blanketed by a feisty Miami secondary, Brett Favre announced his retirement mid-play on Sunday afternoon. "When I looked downfield and Coles was covered deep while Cotchery had not even come out of his break yet, and the pass rush was starting to bear down on me --well, heck, I just realized I don't have the same youthful exuberance necessary to play this game at a high level", said the fickle-minded forward pass thrower. The pass rush and game were both halted briefly for a ceremony to commend Favre for his years of commitment to the league, painkillers and gray beard stubble.

In a surprising turn of events after the Jets defense held the Dolphins on the next series, Favre was seen hustling to a sideline fax machine to send in a request for reinstatement to NFL Commissioner Roger Gooddell's office. Before heading back on to the field, Favre commented,"The tractor and my tight Wrangler jeans can wait. I missed football. I missed the camaraderie for those few minutes while we were on defense." Longtime NFL announcer John Madden commented, "He's like a little kid out there. Ya look at the joy on his face when he's sending that fax in, and you just know that that is Brett Favre sending a Brett Favre fax so he can get back out there for some Brett Favre football."

Lo Siento

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I have been working on a new book. It's a kid's book actually. It's called, "Tommy's Daddy has 2 Girlfriends Tonight", and is designed to explain threesomes to small children in a wholesome but explicit manner. Look for it in bookstores in time for the Christmas season.