Washington D.C. (September 29) - In a shocking turn of events following the congressional rejection of a federal economic bailout package, Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin has announced she is dropping out of the race. "Listen, everything's going to hell. I've got to look out for my family and now I've got illegitimate grandkids to feed. Frankly, I've received a great number of fantastic offers with this newfound fame. Has anybody even looked at what they pay a vice president nowadays? If Congress is gonna let this country go to shit... well, I may as well make my money while I can", said Palin in a rambling but prepared statement.
Ms. Palin went on to describe how she has signed a far-reaching personal licensing, film and appearance deal with Vivid Video Productions Company. Industry experts estimate the deal to be worth well over 10 million dollars per year, which Ms. Palin has requested be paid in the Saudi Riyal currency. Vivid's CEO, who wished to remain anonymous due to outstanding federal bench warrants, commented: "It's the glasses, man. She is a fuckin sexy chick. The American people have spoken." When asked if she would ever reconsider, Ms. Palin commented, "No, it's in my contract that the glasses have to stay on."
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