Just in time for holiday shopping!

6 days until Christmas. In case you are a loser or were recently lobotomized, and you are planning on buying one of these, Franchise will now rate the celebrity-endorsed fragrances. I give a score on a 10 rating scale for each. Shop wisely.

Kim Kardashian's "Dashing" - smells like baba ganoush and Ray J's dick. 6








Michael Jordan's "Jordan 23" - smells like self-involvement, hubris, and casino chips. 5


Derek Jeter's "Driven" - smells like Derek's dick and your girl's musk. 8







Kate Moss' "Kate" - smells like post-meal vomit, cocaine and Pete Doherty. Yuck. 2









David Beckham's "Instinct" - smells like a guy who has been juggling balls all of his life. 4


Britney Spears' "Curious" - smells like a double-wide trailer and crystal meth; does not smell like underwear or morals. 6






Jessica Simpson's "Fancy, Fancy Love" - smells like the opposite of that 'new car smell', more like a new car that had been driven by twenty smelly guys in the last year. 8






Michael Jackson's "Mystique de Michael Jackson" - smells like camels, formaldehyde, and feety pajamas. -8








Halle Berry's "Halle" - smells like roses, and a vigorous and entertaining loss of one's virginity. 10

Tiger's Blue Christmas

Well if US Weekly is reporting it, it sure sounds official. Elin Woods says "divorce is 100% on". Poor Tiger. I wrote a song for him to the tune of
Christmas (Baby, Please Come Home)


It's Christmas ... Elin, please come home
Yeah

My public approval's comin' down / Christmas
I'm watchin' it fall / Christmas
Fleeing endorsements abound / Christmas
Elin, please come home

How I wish that I had known / Christmas
Swedes don't like the extra-marital bone / Christmas
Now I'm putt-in' all alone / Christmas
Rachel should have taken her name off the f#ckin phone!!

These whores recorded my texts and my calls
Probably even made a mold of my balls
I guess I shouldn't have been so slop-py
And now I know why I hate TMZ




All these chicks even looked alike / Christmas
Except this one, I think she's a dyke / Christmas
















I like dyed hair, fat lips and big tit-tays / Christmas
I'm not a fan of monogamy-seeking Swedish nan-nays!!! / Christmas
Elin, please come home
Elin, please come home
Elin, please come home

Now I'm singin' 'Tiger's Christmas Blues'
Poppin Ambiens and drinkin' booze
But you can be sure I'll be back for the Masters
Drivin greens and making new kids bastards

If you come back 'I will wear you out' / Christmas
Raise your pre-nup without no doubt / Christmas
But it's already Christmas day / Christmas
Elin, please come home / Christmas
Home / Christmas

When we got married you should have known the deal / Christmas
I'm a Tiger baby, and I keep it real / Christmas
Lord of the pussy jungle, and I got to hunt / Christmas
Who knew you'd be such a Christmas cun.... / Christmas

Elin, please come home / Christmas
Elin, please come home / Christmas
Elin, please come home / Christmas
Home / Christmas

Elin, please come home / Christmas

Morons Unlimited

Ok, I have seen one episode of this new MTV show The Jersey Shore and I am like an Arkansan after their first hit of meth, or first viewing of their mom in the shower - hopelessly addicted. All I am prepared to do right now is go through the cast one by one... and rank their chances of contracting herpes by season's end. I give you the MTV description in quotes and then my take on the cast member, along with herpes odds.

Angelina

22 - Staten Island, NY

"If Angelina has something on her mind, it'll be out of her mouth before you know it. She always has something to say and doesn't care what anyone else thinks. The question is, how long will her housemates put up with it?... Read More »"

If Angelina has something in her mouth, it will be out of her mind before she knows it. I don't remember much about this chick from the show, so therefore --12:1






Jenni "J-WOWW"

23 - Franklin Square, NY

"When Jenni walks into a bar, the guys yell "J-WOWW!" She may have a boyfriend, but down at the Jersey Shore all bets are off. Impulsive and spontaneous, Jenni is a party girl with zero self control. Wherever she goes,... Read More » "

This was the chick who introduced herself by her nickname. She also has an endorsement deal with K-Y and a standing AZT prescription at every Rite-Aid in the tri-state area. Since she has a boyfriend and will most likely gulp down any STD's he acquires during the summer, that increases her odds to -- 7:2











Mike "The Situation"

27 - Staten Island, NY

"Mike may have a sensitive side, but he has plenty of game to go with it. He knows what he wants from his summer at the Jersey Shore and is not going to let anything stop him from getting it--even his roommates. The way he... Read More »"

This guy is the man. It's definitely normal to weigh over 200 lbs and have an 8 pack. Certainly no chemicals involved there... He is also a pussy and holds hands with whores on the boardwalk. This decreases his odds, but only slightly. Also, I am now going to refer to my gut as "The Conundrum" -- 1:2











Nicole "Snooki"

21 - Marlboro, NY

"Nicole is looking to meet the man of her dreams. When she goes to the gym, she goes in full makeup, hoping to make a splash with all the toned men. Her height has been as much of a strength as it has been an obstacle, and it... Read More » "


A slut. A tremendous slut. The Knicks have cleared cap room in 2010 just because of her proclivity for reverse jams -- 3:1






DJ Pauly D

28 - Johnston, RI

"Pauly D is Rhode Island's most well known DJ and keeps a tanning bed in his house. He orders gel by the case and does his hair twice a day--once in the morning and once before hitting the town. For Pauly D, cleanliness is close... Read More »"

Wait, this guy is a dj? Does he play a lot of Snow and Dominic the Donkey? Nice hair. Sonic the Hedgehog called, he said you will probably get herpes soon -- 1:6




Ben



37 - Cambridge, MA

"Ben might find himself in a brawl or two, but he is a lover who just wants to have a good time. He comes into the house with one rule: Don't fall in love at the Jersey Shore. He also has a best friend named Matt and he is an aspiring actor. But as the summer goes on, he finds rules are meant... Read More »"

This seems like a good opportunity for Ben. I hope it works out. 2:1







Sammi "Sweetheart"


22 - Hazlet, NJ

"Sammi has been a serial dater all her life, but she's now single and loves every minute of it. Her friends call her a sweetheart, but when it comes to guys she is a heartbreaker. Just ask Mike and Ronnie."

Just ask Mike and Ronnie? Wait, is MTV saying this girl gets double-teamed in her freakin bio?? -- 2:9 (I have run out of normal odds)







Vinny

21 - Staten Island, NY

"Vinny is a self-confessed mama's boy and natural entertainer. He knows how to get a laugh from everyone he meets. Having just turned 21, Vinny has been waiting for this summer his whole life and is ready for a wild time... Read More »"

Nice eyebrows, you jerkoff. You look like you have two gay caterpillars trying to go shopping with your eyes. I am tired. This guy probably already has herpes. 1:10

Paperless Tiger

While many media outlets claim to have found Tiger Woods' alleged emails to his mistresses, Franchise has used his many resources to gain access to actual texts from former Mets GM and ESPN personality, Steve Phillips, to his paramour.




Steve P: "Your gut really hurt me when you fell for/on me the other night. I don't know whether I am really into you, or I just miss Mo Vaughn. Either way, my 2 year/$6million offer stands if you will change your name to Schoenweis. I love you bitch and I am gonna wear you out if the Wilpons allow it."

####


Steve P: I can feel it in your gut that we are meant to be together. My wife is hot and you are so different than that.

Whore: what does that mean?

Steve P: Never mind. What are you eating right now?
####



Steve P: When I see you, I am gonna hug you like Harold Reynolds would.

Whore: that's freaky babe. Lol.

Steve P: I wouldn't trade you for anything in the world. Well, I would probably trade you for Todd Hundley and a player to be named later.

Whore: What? What does that mean?

Steve P: Shut up. Your OPS would suck if it were a measurement of weight and/or hotness.
####




Steve P: send me some naughty pictures.

Whore: (sends pics)

Steve P: OMG! Did I accidentally text Wally Backman again? That was disgusting.



####



Steve P: I just took two Ambien. I can't wait to...(long pause)

Whore: Steve?? Are you asleep again? God dammit, I am ordering Dominos on your credit card!
####


Steve P: Do you like my new goatee?

Whore: it reminds me of my (expletive deleted).

Steve P: umm yeah if I had two hamhocks on either side of it instead of cheeks, Miss Piggy.hahahaha

Steve P: Oh (expletive deleted), that was good. I am sending that to Keith Hernandez.


#####

Happy Thanksgiving!

In honor of the holiday, I am listing things I am thankful for this year:

Franchise is thankful he has been cast for another 5 episode arc on the Fox show COPS, as well as guest spots on A&E's Intervention and as the wacky-neighbor-with-a-video-camera on MTV's Cribs - Teen edition.




Franchise is thankful for a holiday that has no religious affiliation whatsoever, and centers around eating, drinking heavily and puking (this applies for your bulimic date to the family dinner, anyway).



Franchise is thankful for every time Tyra Banks decides to get dressed up in a disguise on her show. Highest of comedy.











Franchise will be thankful for the day when he has a child and he can give up sensless partying as his sole pursuit, and begin to teach that child to party with no regard for others' well-being or safety.







Franchise is thankful that, even in death, The Great Gloved One left us with an answer to the universal healthcare problem.







Franchise is thankful for his tremendous fantasy football team --
Name: ThePussyWhisperer, Tagline: I am the Dr. Doolittle of the clitasaurus






Franchise is thankful for his annual Family vs. Goldfinger's Gentleman's Club: Backyard Two-Hand-Grope-Not-Touch Football Game. Everyone is a winner in this battle.








Franchise is thankful for the Thanksgiving Day Parade and the Peyton Manning float.








Franchise is thankful for the recession and being poor, because he had way too much blood and sperm lying around his body. Selling them makes so much more sense.






Franchise is thankful for cranberry sauce in the shape of a can, and all the finely shapen cans of the world.




Happy Thanksgiving everybody! Franchise is also thankful for his 7 loyal fans!

College Football News - ND's Charlie Weis off Hot Seat; Seat is thankful

South Bend, IN -- Charlie Weis, head football coach of the University of Notre Dame, is putting the 'suck' back in to succumbing to pressure and leaving the school after a 35-24 record since 2005. Commenting on the end of his tenure at the former national powerhouse, Weis declared, "Fuck it, I have a system. And I got a new deal in place already". Weis went on to say that he has signed a "full-figured" deal with Abercrombie & Fitch to be photographed in their famed catalogues and inspire the new fragrance, "Paunch". When contacted, Weis' publicist said, "I think his modeling book speaks for itself."

Late night television is on acid

Wanda Sykes and George Lopez both have late night shows. Hmmm, what the fuck? Neither one of these people is remotely funny. Lopez at least had that shitty knock-off Latino version of Everybody Loves Reymano, but that sucked too. It's on Nick at Nite for god's sake. Wanda Sykes' appearances made Larry David's Curb Your Enthusiasm even more uncomfortable for the viewer than most normal episodes . Is there a highly-coveted black lesbian demographic (the chicks who like unattractive chicks, not the lipstick Cinemax ones)? Is this why ABC stuck with Star Jones on The View??

Franchise continues to be an undiscovered diamond in your muff. For christ's sake, shave that thing if diamonds are lurking.

UPDATE: Lopez is reportedly upset that despite having millions of Latino viewers, they all live together in 15-18 households and this seems to negatively impact his Nielsen ratings.

Movie Review

I rarely do this, but go see this new movie, Precious. http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/2362780/precious_movie_theaters_start_showing.html

Oprah has transformed herself for the role!!!*** She seems so vulnerable.



*** Editor's Note. This may have been Mariah Carey transforming herself for the role. But the performance is rumored to be so good that the Academy cannot tell if the chick in the above picture is Oprah or Mariah. If only Ol' Dirty Bastard, who is of course the only man to have slept with both of these women, was still alive.

OK, one more baseball-related piece of news

So the Cardinals decided to hire famed steroid cheat Mark McGwire as their hitting instructor, huh? This is a bit of a suprise move by manager, Tony Larussa. But it should only be interpreted in the context of the team's overhaul of the entire coaching/advisory staff. Luckily, we have access to the 2010 St. Louis Cardinals' entire strategery:



Tommy Lee will serve as the team chaplain, and unofficial moral and spiritual guide.









Ted Williams will tutor minor leaguers on the psychological aspects of the game -- aka "Keeping Your Head With Ted"

















Gordon Gekko and Bernie Madoff will share a role as the team's investment adviser.






Mickey Mantle will be hired in a specially-created posthumous role designed to encourage responsible drinking and spousal fidelity.










Jon Gosselin and Travis Henry will co-chair a series of seminars on proper parenting.










Stevie Wonder will coach third base and drive the team bus.

Playoff Baseball Announcing

I get various forms of this question a lot -- The short answer is: Yes, the TBS announcing crew for the Championship Series is horrible. And yes, Chip/Skip/Fwip Caray has broken Mike Brady's http://www.nndb.com/people/088/000024016/ career record for saying "fisted" on television.








But lost in all of this is the fact that former NY Mets pitcher, Ron Darling, is absolutely crushing it in his analysis on the TBS broadcasting team. It's the same type of lack of respect as when he was with the 1986 Mets -- Darling did a ton of coke but never got as much notice as guys like Strawberry, Gooden and Hernandez. Sometimes the truly great ones fly underneath the radar. Keep on doing what you're doing, Ronnie.