Hold me closer, Tony Danza

Ok, this is an oldie, but a favorite. Am I old enough that I take requests from my past?? Well, these are the Who's The Boss lyrics to Elton John's Tiny Dancer, which I still like... if you don't, well then, seriously -- click a fuckin ad. 4 months until I am fired. Every time you are here -- click an ad and put money in an envelope and send it to me. I am just like PBS, except there is no telethon and my puppets are completely inappropriate for television. Cue the piano.






Brooklyn guinea, Connecticut lady, seamstress for the fam



Dishpan hands, floppy hair, you'll marry an advertising queen



Vacuum clean-a, you must have seen her - standing in the shower



And now he's in me, always with me, Tony Danza in my house...







Jon-a-than freaks, out in the street- Handing tickets out for his gay band



Turning back, Sam just laughs - The boobs will come, its not that bad



Laundry man, he made his stand - In the Big Leagues with the Cards



Looking on, she writes the ads - The words she knows, the tune she hums





But oh, how it feels so real - Lying here with no one near



Only we can hear, we can hear Mona moaning - When I say softly, slowly...



Hold me closer Tony Danza



Count the streakmarks on the china-- Make the bed in sheets of linen-- you had a busy day today



Repeat Chorus

Equal Opportunity

I DVR'd the Women's NCAA basketball action from yesterday and will conduct a tape-delayed blog in an effort to combat claims I am sexist.

10:31 pm -- Some ugly chick threw a bounce pass to another ugly chick who immediately tore her ACL. Everyone on Rutgers had a good laugh because Imus has prostate cancer.

Special Note

Like a Special Olympic bowler challenging our president in the ninth frame, I am running out of steam. If you are just checking in for the NCAAs, I encourage you to scroll down to the first post "Special NCAA Running Diary" http://thefranchisecometh.blogspot.com/2009/03/special-friday-ncaa-running-diary.html and read up from there. Oh yeah, click an ad please (many of them are for rehab centers which is awesome). I will probably get fired soon.

NCAA Night Session continued

7:53 -- My first half Morehead St. bet is looking good. I put in a bid to buy one of Angelina Jolie's adopted kids on eBay.





7:57 -- Louisville does not look good from the free throw line. #1 seed nerves? I log into Craig's List again and set up the sex swing.

8:23 -- I went downstairs to get more beer before. The sushi delivery-guy who hangs out in front of my apartment was there smoking cigarettes. I have warned him of this before. Took him inside for waterboarding.... Louisville up by 10.

8:35 -- Bit of a nailbiter going in USC vs. BC. 3 point game early in second half. Speaking of which, one of these pros is a bit of a pillow biter. She just told me her Dad abused her... Billy Raferty is mainlining heroin.

8:41 -- Phew, this just in from TMZ.com. Celebrity fame whore Nick Lachey did not actually go to USC, he is merely surgically attached to Matt Leinart's dick.

8:46 -- Louisville finally rolling, USC hanging tough with BC like the New Kids... my Dad just called asking for his retainer fee, and his car and genes back.

3:34 -- I invented a time travel machine. hahaha I fucking crack me up.

9:20 -- USC wins!! I shoot celebratory blowdart at that random arrow guy.
http://blogs.usatoday.com/ondeadline/2009/03/new-york-arrow.html

9:28 -- Late games will start soon. Subtracting pros who drank, I am in for approximately 23 Natty Lights. Time to start playing sad songs and crying.

Speaking of sad songs, I wonder which "Friend" Adam Duritz is doing right now... wait! no worries - Rick Pitino just said he would have killed himself if one of his teams lost to San Jose St. I feel better.

9:34 -- CBS Sports' Seth Davis just took OSU over Siena in the late game 8 seed vs. 9 seed matchup. I am heavy Siena. Little does Seth Davis know that his sister is tied up in my basement! Excuse me, I have to make a phone call now...

9:50 -- Raftery and Verne Lundquist are openly sharing a bottle of Maker's Mark and one pair of Depends on the air.

9:58 -- I have asked one of the pros, George Jung and the manager of D'Agostino's to move in with me. I love March Madness!!

10:16 -- I just walked into D'Agostino's and they played "One Shining Moment" with a video montage of my purchases from the day... is this a sign?

10:24 -- If anyone is following along in a timely manner and happens to work in a Home Depot or some other such store, please send a chainsaw. One pro seems to have gotten away...

10:34 -- Mich St up by 4 on Philip Morris' brother Robert. I would like to see Gus Johnson narrate a porno.

10:38 -- Gus Johnson porno comment continued: "She was an underrated ball-handler. (voice rising) WE DID NOT THINK SHE COULD HANDLE THE OFFENSIVE LOAD!!"

11:51 -- Checking back in. Still awake and alive. They finally got me - I am heading to Applebee's for late night and the 2 for $20 deal. OSU - Siena in OT. Name one person who cares about either team who can read. I dare you.

NCAA night session

5:01 -- I kicked all current houseguests out to pay attention to Ernie Anastos and meditate. I am down to $874 and approximately 30 Natty Light cans.

7:18 -- Louisville up by 8 early. It also appears I am bleeding profusely from the femoral artery. It seems fortunate at this point that I do not share Rick Pitino's wardrobe.

7:21 -- Check that, Morehead St. hits a big three. And it was just red gatorade on my leg.

7:43 -- The only person drunker than me on earth, is CBS announcer Billy Raferty. I think a couple of the pros who left my house were going to visit him in the CBS booth.

Special Friday NCAA Running Diary!!

Now I know this has been done before, but I thought I would put a special Franchise twist on it. I took Friday, March 20 off for the occasion.

9:23 am -- My attorney (dad) bails me out of jail from the night before.

9:31 am -- I knock him out, steal his car and head back to my apartment.

9:53 - 11:46 -- Sleep without worry of rape (I was too drunk still. Count your blessings, girls in my bed).

12:01 -- Games start soon. Head to ATM and take out a $2000 cash advance on credit card. Also visit D'Agostino's and buy 3 cases of Natty Light cans.

12:11 -- Stock fridge and meet George Jung to buy 5 grams of blow.

12:21 -- First game tips. I call three pros from Craig's List.

2:24 -- Trip outside to buy a 32 oz Gatorade. I meet a nice homeless man who I hire to come back to the apartment for firecracker-throwing and boom mike duty.

2:38 -- Missouri beats Cornell. I celebrate by logging into Craig's List again. I also order a blowdart gun from Africantribesman.com

2:46 -- Butler loses. My personal tattoo artist and massage therapist arrives at Franchise Tournament Central.

3:12 -- Cops show up looking for a small Filipino maid who used to work in my building. "I have no idea, officers...."

5:00 -- Break for CBS News!!! (FYI -- every year around this time, shit starts to get weird...)

More updates later.

In tribute to Rick Reilly...

I met a remarkable youngster the other day. He was mowing the lawn on my other house when I ashed my cigar on his visor. He looked up and we seemed to connect through his detached retina... I looked into his eye and I thought "poor people are smelly", and thenI ran back into my house. It was then that I realized that the indigent also look funny. It's not just their odor, or if you throw money at them and watch them scramble. We are all people, and we are all capable of awful prose.

I work for Sports Illustrated or ESPN, and yet I am barely literate. We have all lived through the Vietnam War, correct? What a war. At least we won the right to view color TV. And that is what this column is about. I am not very bright. I hope that makes you chuckle... because frankly that is all I have left. My next door neighbor has heard of cancer. You should be crying by now. If not, well, you have no heart... I think that things that make people sad are just as sad as the industry that creates sadness. Chew on that... and then be sad for a while... but not too long. Because sadness is really the definition of sa + d and that is just sports in a nutshell.

Getting by in tough economic times

It's ugly out there. We all know it. But people keep turning to me for advice - 'Franchise, how can I make ends meet in this recession?' Well, here are some tips I have learned over the years on how to cut down on spending, and live on a budget.

• Stop eating out at restaurants so much. Once a week, I simply go to the grocery store wearing a long overcoat and I pack as many of the necessities into the inside pockets as possible. The real trick is to pay for one expensive item such as "pesto sauce", when you are checking out. The savings of not eating out really add up.


• Cut social drinking out of your budget. You can get just as wrecked with a 6 dollar pint of whiskey, alone in your dark living room.


• Ease down on the sports gambling. It is imperative to only play winners during a depression.


• Change your name. This will buy you time with creditors, and former family members. If you feel ambitious go with 'Jay Gatsby'.


• Frivolous spending will not be tolerated. One pro is enough for now. The salad days of two or three at a time are on hiatus. Look for specials on girls emigrating from countries whose economies have already imploded, such as Iceland.


• Also, don't buy silly things you can't spell without looking up, such as prophylactics.


• Recreational drugs remain an absolute staple. This is not a third world country yet.

God bless and good luck.