DVD Review - No stars, didn't see it.

Of course, I did not see this movie -- but Twilight 2 was apparently very popular and may be coming out on video. Some thoughts:

#1 - I respect stoned chicks getting plowed by really pale, kind of out-of-it guys. That part definitely works for me.










#2 - The wolf? I mean seriously. Michael J. Fox in Teen Wolf rules this guy for realism. Taylor Lautner is more of a baby lamb chop, or a cross-dressing wolverine. Also, didn't he date a chick named Taylor? - Yeah bud, do all the push-ups you want, but your publicist should have warned you that you are the ultimate pussy if your girlfriend has the same name as you.




Good luck with the steroids though, Taylor - maybe you can blow Zack Efron in High School Musical 4 - We're All Super GAY







# 3 - Here is the Wikipedia description: On her 18th birthday, Bella Swan wakes up from a dream in which she sees herself as an old woman. She expresses her distaste with growing older than her boyfriend Edward Cullen, a vampire who stopped aging physically at 17. Despite her lack of enthusiasm, Edward's adoptive family throws Bella a birthday party. While unwrapping a gift, Bella gets a paper cut, causing Edward's brother, Jasper, to become overwhelmed by her blood's scent and attempt to kill her. Realizing the danger that he and his family pose to Bella, Edward ends their relationship, and the Cullens leave Forks, Washington permanently.

Umm - are you fucking serious? First off, "Bella Swan"? Why not Cindy Rella? Just as subtle.

Next, Robert Pattinson is 17? Maybe if he is a diabetic waiting for a kidney transplant from Axl Rose. Guy looks like me after a six day bender in Cancun with Lindsay bLohan and Joe Francis.






Next, best use of a paper cut in a plot twist, EVER. Staples and Dunder-Mifflin have to be using this in their next product innovation/ad campaign.


Last, do you think the Drummonds (the adoptive family in a similar scenario) would do this for Arnold or Willis on Diff'rent Strokes? No, they'd say, 'stop crying about a paper cut and go get raped by the bike repair guy with Dudley'.

Pop Quiz, Hotshot

Hopefully, you have heard at least some of the details of New York Congressman Eric Massa's strange behavior that seems to have led to his resignation -- including the married/family man living with 5 male members of his staff in what seems to be sort of a gay congressional frat house. Here's a real picture:


Full Story here -- http://www.nydailynews.com/news/politics/2010/03/11/2010-03-11_disgraced_exrep_eric_massas_long_trail_of_bizarre_behavior_includes_home_shared_.html



Former representative Massa has given a couple great interviews lately, but how closely have you been paying attention? Here's a quiz to see if you can pick out his quotes from other gems selected from the verbal diarrhea of Paris Hilton and Rupaul.

So who does the quote belong to - the congressman, the drag queen, or the homemade porn star?

1) Topic - Being yourself and flirting

A -- "Look at me--a big old black man under all of this makeup, and if I can look beautiful, so can you."

B -- "They all make the remarks that you can imagine about you ought to do this, you ought to do that. I grabbed the guy and tousled his hair and say, I ought to do it to you."

C -- “The only rule is don't be boring and dress cute wherever you go. Life is too short to blend in.”






2) Topic - Love and Birthdays

A -- "Now, they're saying I groped a male... Yes, I did. Not only did I grope him, I tickled him until he couldn't breathe and four guys jumped on top of me. It was my birthday.

B -- "The way I see it, you should live everyday like it's your birthday."

C -- "If you don't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?"





3) Topic - Handling difficult situations

A -- "I'm so smart now. Everyone's always like 'take your top off'. Sorry, NO! They always want to get that money shot. I'm not stupid."

B -- "Doing what I do for a living has never been easy. I've had to fight countless battles in this game that the public has no idea ever happened. But, I just pick myself up and carry on, I carry on."

C -- "Let me say this: Somebody says I groped males, females. You know, I was fondling a cat — whatever it is, I don't resign."




4) Topic - What's the motto you live by?

A -- "I'm going to show you more than tickle fights. That's a Crossing the Line ceremony."

B -- "I’m not, like, that smart."


C -- "All sins are forgiven once you start making a lot of money."





5)Topic - Sum up your career

A -- "It's about something that's so much bigger than that that I've — I learned in just a year. And that is, you can either go along and get along, or you can literally be bought and sold legally."

B -- "I've dedicated my career to fighting the mundane. My hope is that my career will be a shining example to children everywhere that life is more meaningful when you are not afraid to see all colors of the rainbow."

C -- “I'm still young and still have a very active career that I'm not prepared to give up, ... I have worked very hard to get to where I am.







6)Topic - Describe your sex life

A -- "I mean, I don't know how else to put it. I own this misbehavior."


B -- “It will work. I am a marketing genius.”


C -- "With hair, heels, and attitude, honey, I am through the roof."








Answer Key - Don't worry if you got some wrong. These three are easily confused.
1) A - Rupaul; B - Massa; C - Paris
2) A - Massa; B - Paris; C - Rupaul
3) A - Paris; B - Rupaul C - Massa
4) A - Massa; B - Paris; C - Rupaul
5) A - Massa; B - Rupaul; C - Paris
6) A - Massa; B - Paris; C - Rupaul

Odds Are You've Never Heard of Some of These People -- Celeb Apprentice Bettor's Guide

I must caveat this with the fact that I have never seen this show before. I did see some of the original Apprentice, and I think I know enough about most of these people to give you proper odds and guide your wagering. There are also some other incredibly unfamous people who I left off because they are really more suited to The Surreal Life rather than network TV.... Here you go, the "celeb" bio quote is in bold, and Franchise-endorsed odds come at the end. Happy betting!




Darryl Strawberry "I'm Mr. New York, people in New York love me. They got my back on this."
New York does have your back Darryl, but unless there's a freebasing challenge I don't see you hitting this one out the park. More likely, is that Darryl will be transferred straight from the boardroom to VH1's Celebrity Rehab by midseason. -- 20:1









Sharon Osbourne "I don't play well with other women, and I can be the nastiest bitch in the world."
This nasty bitch gets points for truth in her bio quote (although strangely, she also seems to be ruling out F/M/F threesomes - poor Ozzie). Now I hate Sharon and her rat offspring as much as the next guy, but Omarosa taught us that the Apprentice will reward foul-mouthed, evil broads with huge egos. So Sharon gets -- 7:1 and those go down if there are any Prince of Darkness cameos.














Cyndi Lauper "I'm not above doing whatever it takes"
Making a veiled reference to blowing The Donald in your bio quote is a good start to winning this show. However, Cyndi's grating voice and white hair will wear the judges out, time after time. Odds would be lower if she still had Captain Lou Albano in her corner threatening to shoot the judges with the rubber bands from his beard -- 30:1







Sinbad "You go in there, you survive, you fight like a pit bull."
Umm yeah Sinbad, except at this point in your career you are more like one of Mike Vick's pit bulls after a losing streak. If he still had his haircut from A Different World, the odds would be more in his favor. I am shocked that NBC was able to pull him away from his regular gig as the clown who pulls contestants off the stage at The Apollo. -- 45:1














Bret Michaels "If you're going to freak out, have a rock star freak out."
Penchant for bimbos, bad fake hair, and comes across as an egotistical moron -- Bret and the Donald will be two peas in a pod. Loses some points because he will probably be disqualified for slaying Trump's daughter by Episode 3. Nice pic: hook 'em horny, Bret -- 4:1








Carol Leifer "I am the ultimate carnival barker."
Yes, yes you are. Carol is also known as the Ultimate Dog-Faced Lady, according to me. She is not famous and she is hideous. Bad combo -- 150:1















Rod Blagojevich "There's a cloud that sort of travels along with me."
Ya think so, doctor? It's a little early for this scumbag to be trying to climb back into the public realm. Next thing you know, Elliot Spitzer will try to re-enter politics... Again, the sweet hairstyle and being a lying, cheating jackass has to sway some points with The Donald. 20:1








Summer Sanders "I feel like I am the person I am today because I played sports."
Hey Summer, you're about as famous as Carol Fuckin' Leifer. I think she used to be on NBC at some point though, so you get better odds for the network taking care of its own -- 100:1











Holly Robinson Peete "I fund raise morning, noon and night for families with autism. I call it creative begging."
We're talking about Officer Judy Hoffs here. Not only did this chick go undercover in some of the baddest suburban high schools in America, she also sang the theme song to 21 Jumpstreet. Hey Sharon Osborne - Ya betta be ready when we meet ya after schoool. Jump, down on Jump Streeeeet! Throw in former shitty NFL QB Rodney Peete giving her advice from the sidelines, and Holly has to be my favorite -- 3:1

New Product Alert!

Friends, have you ever been with a special someone you met moments earlier? Have you had second thoughts about being with that momentarily sexy person and thought, "Jesus Christ, I should wear a condom!"?

Well have I got the new product for you!





It's 'Jesus Christ, I Should Wear A Condom!' - available in a water/wine-based lubricant as well as 'arid' for the Jews for Jesus.


Also available in 'Vishnu, That's a Dirty Vagina!', and for a limited-time only, 'Buddha, I Should Just Get a Blowjob!' versions.

Images of Oscar

New evidence shows Yoko Ono broke up The Beatles AND the cast of Cheers.





A Keanu Reeves impersonator got a good laugh from the audience, as he pretended to accept an Oscar for The Lake House.





It's good to see Macaulay Culkin still working.








Best Actor nominee Jeremy Renner shown here in a tense scene from his role as Precious' OB/GYN.










The under-appreciated Zombieland is recognized.





Beeker from The Muppets receives an award for a lifetime of achievement in science and film-making.


















The Dude finally has some gold to exchange for cash online.










Looks like The Hurt Locker director, Kathryn Bigelow, also wants to take home an award in DP.








The Oscars don't discriminate, as this dude was allowed to bring his seeing-eye dog.

Hollywood News Continues to be Tarnished by Fox News Slant

I watch Access Hollywood sometimes, so you don't have to (and not just for the Boobs and Bush - heyo!!).




Anyway, the talk shows are all abuzz about this Mo Nique person reportedly having an open marriage: "Could Sid have sex outside of his marriage with me? Yes. That's not a deal-breaker," Mo says. "That's not something that would make us say, 'Pack your things and let's end the marriage.'"
http://www.usmagazine.com/celebritynews/news/monique-explains-why-she-has-an-open-marriage-197031

As Michael Jackson would say, that is just ignorant... obviously middle America and the staunch right wing still can't accept the fact that two successful African-American gay men have found each other and chosen to enter into matrimony. How they choose to define fidelity is the business of these dudes, and these dudes alone.

Dissecting the Hoser Olympics

The International Olympic team recently pointed out to me that you do not fuck with the International Olympic Committee. I agree. But is it too much trouble to find a horse to throw in someone's bed nowadays, is it really just easier to juice the track and let the mutafucka luge?


Off topic, but Jorge Lopez is actually pretty funny on TBS. Did not see that coming. Now back to Vancougar.


The French figure skating judges gave the Chilean earthquake a 4.3








USA Hockey Right Winger, Patrick Kane, said he was totally gonna fuck up like 3 Vancouver cab drivers after his team's loss in the gold medal game. He did promise to do some situps beforehand.


The Canadian women's hockey team made a generation of Canucks think roofies may be unnecessary, but then they remembered these were all easy, willing-to-go-dutch-or even-perhaps-buy, lesbians.

















Curling convinced a new generation of fat people that they could be Olympians.