Financial News

FDIC shuts down three Puerto Rico banks, claims they just had that "shady Puerto Rican look"

SAN FRANCISCO (MarketWatch) -- Three bank failures in Puerto Rico on Friday raised the tally of failed U.S. banks for the year to 60, according to the Federal Deposit Insurance Corp. Puerto Rico's Westernbank will be taken over by Banco Popular; Eurobank will be taken over by Oriental Bank and Trust; and R-G Premier Bank of Puerto Rico will be taken over by Scotiabank. The three banks claimed to have a combined total of $20.42 billion in assets and $14.84 billion in deposits, but could only produce loose change and 6 packs of Parliaments when confronted by FDIC officials.

FDIC chairperson Sheila Bair commented, "I've seen these Puerto Rican banks loitering around my financial marketplace for far too long. The Board and I have just always had the feeling that they're up to no good! When we investigated further, we determined that there were Hispanic men with guns inside all three banks. Guns! I wanted to give all their ill-gotten funds to that nice hard-working Oriental bank, but I was told I couldn't do that." Reached on his car phone, vice president Joe Biden said, "This is probably another big fucking deal isn't it?"

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Goddammit, Even More Music

I too get criticism from time to time, believe it or not. Certain people who shouldn't be able to vote, say "this is the most mysoginistic site since
www.billclinton1996.com". Well, let me make it up to you the best way I know how - through song (again). Here's one for the ladies - you've been scorned. To the tune of Jimmy Buffett's Cheeseburger In Paradise, here is a little ditty about how Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback, Big Ben Roethlisberger, has acted toward the fairer sex over the last year.


Tried to amend my sexual proclivities
Made it nearly three hundred days
Watchin tape without rape, savin Rooney face
Goin out on dates without the roofies or the mace!





But at night I would have these wonderful dreams
Some kind of sensuous treat
Not zucchini, fettucini or Bulgar wheat
But a bathroom with a lock and a really drunk treat

Chorus:
Roethlis-berger just raped chicks twice (raped them twiiice)
They're hopin to hell he don't have pubic lice (pubic liiiice)
He's not too particular, not too precise
Roethlis-berger should invest in some underwear ice



Heard about the old time football men
They banged the same thing again and again
Hookers and wives - they waited to hear "yes"
Well it reminds Ben of the menu at a holiday inn express

Times have changed for Steelers these days
When Ben's in Georgia he only cares what he needs
Not just blondes or brunettes or redheads, please
But that lack of consciousness on which Ben feeds!

Chorus:
Roethlis-berger feels no need to entice
He'll do you on the floor with a condom to be nice (to be niiice)
No DN-A, but a big civil suit price (civil priiiice)
Chicks in a coma are a Roethlisbergerian paradise!!

Bangin a chick beats bein a mastur-bat-or
Walkin out of the bar with blue balls - see ya later
Big civil suit and from the commish he'll hear
Well good god almighty which way should Ben steer!






Chorus:
Roethlis-berger needs dating advice (needs adviiiiice)
Maybe # 7 should take a vacation from the vice (no more viiiice)
Non-consensual sex is somethin he should sacrifice (sacrifice)
You're an NFL QB, you're not former American Idol Bo Bice
Groupies will probably do you, so don't strike thrice
Ben Roethlis-berger just raped chicks twice!!!

Oprah: The Sh*t They Should Have Written

Some chick named Kitten Kelly apparently has written a wild, unauthorized biography of Oprah Winfrey. Oprah is pissed and the chick will probably be dead within days, but as your literary advocate Franchise has read the book and realized there is so much more about Oprah that can be interpreted between the lines.

Here are the highlights that you may not see in the mainstream media:

-- Oprah usually maintains a standard diet and her weight fluctuations are actually not due to dessert/high carb binges. In fact, once a year she eats a small Vietnamese family in a show of power and a shot at communism. She would have an hour-glass figure if it were not for her patriotism.






-- Oprah asked God to remove a rib from her body in order to create President Obama.





-- Oprah not only has better ratings, she is way gayer than Ellen DeGeneres.





-- As part of his Harpo Productions development deal, Dr. Phil can no longer f*ck his wife or any of his patients unless he is wearing a latex Oprah mask.





-- Oprah spoke with God again and bartered two orders of Outback Steakhouse ribs to his greater glory in order to create Gabourey Sidibe.





-- People make a big deal out of her give-away show, but Oprah finds all of that shit in her garage and she gets 50 percent of the value back in taxes because she runs the American government.

More Music

I have decided to speak out on the terrible tragedy that is the Jesse James/Sandra Bullock break-up the only way I know how -- through song. This one is of course to the tune of Rick Springfield's classic, "Jessie's Girl". I hope it helps with the grieving.


Jesse was a friend,
Yeah, you know he was
A good friend to Sandra.
But lately something's changed
That ain't hard to define
Jesse's got himself new girls
And he's joining the Third Reich.




And she's tempting him with those tats
And he's bangin her on his bike,
I just know it
Yeah 'n' before this is all over I think he'll give Tiger a run for his number..


(Chorus)
You know, Jesse wishes he had lots more girls,
Jesse knows that he'd bang any girl
Where can he find a woman with ink?

Sandy played along with the charade,
like there was a secret bomb on their marriage bus of love
You know, Jesse felt so dirty
Because her movies were so cute
He wants to tell her he thought her performance in Blind Side was riveting,
But the point is probably moot

'Cos the papparazzi are watching him with those eyes
And we're waiting for the sex tape to surface,
She's gonna divorce him we just know it
And he's sneakin into sex rehab late, late at night


(Chorus)
But Jesse still wants lots of girls,
He'll never stop bangin lots of girls,
Where can he find a woman,
Where can he find a freaky woman - STAT!




And Sandy's lookin' in the mirror all the time,
Wondering what Jess don't see in me
I've been America's sweetheart,
I've been cool with his Nazi ties
Ain't that the way
Love supposed to be
Tell me, where can I find three dozen stick-on tats?

[Solo]

You know, he wishes he could bang more girls,
Or at least that Sandy were cool with it,
And maybe get a small swastika on her tit,
Where can he find a woman like that??

Thoughts for the weekend

-- I have heard conspiracy theories that CBS made it easy for Duke to get to the Final Four, I have heard that Duke has been less of a villain in recent years...

BDN Audio – Coach K adresses the media, talks UNC, Maryland and more

... but you know why it's easy to hate Duke? Because Coach K sounds like a mumble-mouthed 8 year old girl. Plus he cheated because he promised Christian Laettner a pony AND a princess party when recruiting her.











--The updated odds have Tiger as a 3/1 favorite to win the 2010 Masters, with Phil Mickelson trailing him with 7/1 odds. Padraig Harrington is 16/1, Paul Casey is 22/1 and Rory McIlroy is 25/1, according to oddsmakers from online sports book BroburySports.com.

Interestingly enough, Tiger has chosen to play the field.




-- You know how I know you're a bitch? A drunk Joey Porter smacked you around after you had PULLED HIM OVER, and yet you are too scared to press charges. Guy has good abs, but you are representing California Highway Patrol for Chrissakes! Show some balls. Somewhere, Erik Estrada weeps.
http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=5044944






More to come this weekend. PS - I saw Hot Tub Time Machine and it is the perfect Easter Weekend movie, so go see it. Only downside is Cusack's hairpiece. It is Travolta-esque.