Football Analysis You Have Been Missing...

It's been said time and time again, the difference between a good pro QB and a good college QB is being able to look quickly to your third and fourth options...

From the Ben Roethlisberger Georgia police report:
"I don't know what I can ... do," she said. "I'm a little girl and he's a big boy."

The victim told police she is 5-foot-4 and weighs 145 pounds.

Ben obviously saw the tight ends in the bar were covered and audibled to an eligible lineperson.

World Cup Preview

Ok - I don't know much about soccer other than you take your shirt off after you score, which frankly is counter-intuitive to the American sexual order of things, but I digress. However, what I do know about the South African-hosted World Cup boils down to four words: Rika van den Haas.


Who is that you ask? Only the freakin hottest chick in the world from Lethal Weapon 2, whose character was:
1) South African (I think)
2) KILLED mercilessly by South Africans, all for the love of Krugerrand!

To summarize, this girl was soooo hot and took her shirt off in a movie I saw when I was 12. South Africans killed her. They also seemed verrry into that apartheid thing, which was pretty uncool. There you have it, the World Cup in a nutshell. Enjoy the action.

Caption Contest

Everyone has AIDS! Not just HIV but full blown AIDS!!




No, Kobe!! That's not a Denver hotel maid!!! Pull out!

Financial News

FDIC shuts down three Puerto Rico banks, claims they just had that "shady Puerto Rican look"

SAN FRANCISCO (MarketWatch) -- Three bank failures in Puerto Rico on Friday raised the tally of failed U.S. banks for the year to 60, according to the Federal Deposit Insurance Corp. Puerto Rico's Westernbank will be taken over by Banco Popular; Eurobank will be taken over by Oriental Bank and Trust; and R-G Premier Bank of Puerto Rico will be taken over by Scotiabank. The three banks claimed to have a combined total of $20.42 billion in assets and $14.84 billion in deposits, but could only produce loose change and 6 packs of Parliaments when confronted by FDIC officials.

FDIC chairperson Sheila Bair commented, "I've seen these Puerto Rican banks loitering around my financial marketplace for far too long. The Board and I have just always had the feeling that they're up to no good! When we investigated further, we determined that there were Hispanic men with guns inside all three banks. Guns! I wanted to give all their ill-gotten funds to that nice hard-working Oriental bank, but I was told I couldn't do that." Reached on his car phone, vice president Joe Biden said, "This is probably another big fucking deal isn't it?"

###

Goddammit, Even More Music

I too get criticism from time to time, believe it or not. Certain people who shouldn't be able to vote, say "this is the most mysoginistic site since
www.billclinton1996.com". Well, let me make it up to you the best way I know how - through song (again). Here's one for the ladies - you've been scorned. To the tune of Jimmy Buffett's Cheeseburger In Paradise, here is a little ditty about how Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback, Big Ben Roethlisberger, has acted toward the fairer sex over the last year.


Tried to amend my sexual proclivities
Made it nearly three hundred days
Watchin tape without rape, savin Rooney face
Goin out on dates without the roofies or the mace!





But at night I would have these wonderful dreams
Some kind of sensuous treat
Not zucchini, fettucini or Bulgar wheat
But a bathroom with a lock and a really drunk treat

Chorus:
Roethlis-berger just raped chicks twice (raped them twiiice)
They're hopin to hell he don't have pubic lice (pubic liiiice)
He's not too particular, not too precise
Roethlis-berger should invest in some underwear ice



Heard about the old time football men
They banged the same thing again and again
Hookers and wives - they waited to hear "yes"
Well it reminds Ben of the menu at a holiday inn express

Times have changed for Steelers these days
When Ben's in Georgia he only cares what he needs
Not just blondes or brunettes or redheads, please
But that lack of consciousness on which Ben feeds!

Chorus:
Roethlis-berger feels no need to entice
He'll do you on the floor with a condom to be nice (to be niiice)
No DN-A, but a big civil suit price (civil priiiice)
Chicks in a coma are a Roethlisbergerian paradise!!

Bangin a chick beats bein a mastur-bat-or
Walkin out of the bar with blue balls - see ya later
Big civil suit and from the commish he'll hear
Well good god almighty which way should Ben steer!






Chorus:
Roethlis-berger needs dating advice (needs adviiiiice)
Maybe # 7 should take a vacation from the vice (no more viiiice)
Non-consensual sex is somethin he should sacrifice (sacrifice)
You're an NFL QB, you're not former American Idol Bo Bice
Groupies will probably do you, so don't strike thrice
Ben Roethlis-berger just raped chicks twice!!!

Oprah: The Sh*t They Should Have Written

Some chick named Kitten Kelly apparently has written a wild, unauthorized biography of Oprah Winfrey. Oprah is pissed and the chick will probably be dead within days, but as your literary advocate Franchise has read the book and realized there is so much more about Oprah that can be interpreted between the lines.

Here are the highlights that you may not see in the mainstream media:

-- Oprah usually maintains a standard diet and her weight fluctuations are actually not due to dessert/high carb binges. In fact, once a year she eats a small Vietnamese family in a show of power and a shot at communism. She would have an hour-glass figure if it were not for her patriotism.






-- Oprah asked God to remove a rib from her body in order to create President Obama.





-- Oprah not only has better ratings, she is way gayer than Ellen DeGeneres.





-- As part of his Harpo Productions development deal, Dr. Phil can no longer f*ck his wife or any of his patients unless he is wearing a latex Oprah mask.





-- Oprah spoke with God again and bartered two orders of Outback Steakhouse ribs to his greater glory in order to create Gabourey Sidibe.





-- People make a big deal out of her give-away show, but Oprah finds all of that shit in her garage and she gets 50 percent of the value back in taxes because she runs the American government.

More Music

I have decided to speak out on the terrible tragedy that is the Jesse James/Sandra Bullock break-up the only way I know how -- through song. This one is of course to the tune of Rick Springfield's classic, "Jessie's Girl". I hope it helps with the grieving.


Jesse was a friend,
Yeah, you know he was
A good friend to Sandra.
But lately something's changed
That ain't hard to define
Jesse's got himself new girls
And he's joining the Third Reich.




And she's tempting him with those tats
And he's bangin her on his bike,
I just know it
Yeah 'n' before this is all over I think he'll give Tiger a run for his number..


(Chorus)
You know, Jesse wishes he had lots more girls,
Jesse knows that he'd bang any girl
Where can he find a woman with ink?

Sandy played along with the charade,
like there was a secret bomb on their marriage bus of love
You know, Jesse felt so dirty
Because her movies were so cute
He wants to tell her he thought her performance in Blind Side was riveting,
But the point is probably moot

'Cos the papparazzi are watching him with those eyes
And we're waiting for the sex tape to surface,
She's gonna divorce him we just know it
And he's sneakin into sex rehab late, late at night


(Chorus)
But Jesse still wants lots of girls,
He'll never stop bangin lots of girls,
Where can he find a woman,
Where can he find a freaky woman - STAT!




And Sandy's lookin' in the mirror all the time,
Wondering what Jess don't see in me
I've been America's sweetheart,
I've been cool with his Nazi ties
Ain't that the way
Love supposed to be
Tell me, where can I find three dozen stick-on tats?

[Solo]

You know, he wishes he could bang more girls,
Or at least that Sandy were cool with it,
And maybe get a small swastika on her tit,
Where can he find a woman like that??

Thoughts for the weekend

-- I have heard conspiracy theories that CBS made it easy for Duke to get to the Final Four, I have heard that Duke has been less of a villain in recent years...

BDN Audio – Coach K adresses the media, talks UNC, Maryland and more

... but you know why it's easy to hate Duke? Because Coach K sounds like a mumble-mouthed 8 year old girl. Plus he cheated because he promised Christian Laettner a pony AND a princess party when recruiting her.











--The updated odds have Tiger as a 3/1 favorite to win the 2010 Masters, with Phil Mickelson trailing him with 7/1 odds. Padraig Harrington is 16/1, Paul Casey is 22/1 and Rory McIlroy is 25/1, according to oddsmakers from online sports book BroburySports.com.

Interestingly enough, Tiger has chosen to play the field.




-- You know how I know you're a bitch? A drunk Joey Porter smacked you around after you had PULLED HIM OVER, and yet you are too scared to press charges. Guy has good abs, but you are representing California Highway Patrol for Chrissakes! Show some balls. Somewhere, Erik Estrada weeps.
http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=5044944






More to come this weekend. PS - I saw Hot Tub Time Machine and it is the perfect Easter Weekend movie, so go see it. Only downside is Cusack's hairpiece. It is Travolta-esque.

DVD Review - No stars, didn't see it.

Of course, I did not see this movie -- but Twilight 2 was apparently very popular and may be coming out on video. Some thoughts:

#1 - I respect stoned chicks getting plowed by really pale, kind of out-of-it guys. That part definitely works for me.










#2 - The wolf? I mean seriously. Michael J. Fox in Teen Wolf rules this guy for realism. Taylor Lautner is more of a baby lamb chop, or a cross-dressing wolverine. Also, didn't he date a chick named Taylor? - Yeah bud, do all the push-ups you want, but your publicist should have warned you that you are the ultimate pussy if your girlfriend has the same name as you.




Good luck with the steroids though, Taylor - maybe you can blow Zack Efron in High School Musical 4 - We're All Super GAY







# 3 - Here is the Wikipedia description: On her 18th birthday, Bella Swan wakes up from a dream in which she sees herself as an old woman. She expresses her distaste with growing older than her boyfriend Edward Cullen, a vampire who stopped aging physically at 17. Despite her lack of enthusiasm, Edward's adoptive family throws Bella a birthday party. While unwrapping a gift, Bella gets a paper cut, causing Edward's brother, Jasper, to become overwhelmed by her blood's scent and attempt to kill her. Realizing the danger that he and his family pose to Bella, Edward ends their relationship, and the Cullens leave Forks, Washington permanently.

Umm - are you fucking serious? First off, "Bella Swan"? Why not Cindy Rella? Just as subtle.

Next, Robert Pattinson is 17? Maybe if he is a diabetic waiting for a kidney transplant from Axl Rose. Guy looks like me after a six day bender in Cancun with Lindsay bLohan and Joe Francis.






Next, best use of a paper cut in a plot twist, EVER. Staples and Dunder-Mifflin have to be using this in their next product innovation/ad campaign.


Last, do you think the Drummonds (the adoptive family in a similar scenario) would do this for Arnold or Willis on Diff'rent Strokes? No, they'd say, 'stop crying about a paper cut and go get raped by the bike repair guy with Dudley'.

Pop Quiz, Hotshot

Hopefully, you have heard at least some of the details of New York Congressman Eric Massa's strange behavior that seems to have led to his resignation -- including the married/family man living with 5 male members of his staff in what seems to be sort of a gay congressional frat house. Here's a real picture:


Full Story here -- http://www.nydailynews.com/news/politics/2010/03/11/2010-03-11_disgraced_exrep_eric_massas_long_trail_of_bizarre_behavior_includes_home_shared_.html



Former representative Massa has given a couple great interviews lately, but how closely have you been paying attention? Here's a quiz to see if you can pick out his quotes from other gems selected from the verbal diarrhea of Paris Hilton and Rupaul.

So who does the quote belong to - the congressman, the drag queen, or the homemade porn star?

1) Topic - Being yourself and flirting

A -- "Look at me--a big old black man under all of this makeup, and if I can look beautiful, so can you."

B -- "They all make the remarks that you can imagine about you ought to do this, you ought to do that. I grabbed the guy and tousled his hair and say, I ought to do it to you."

C -- “The only rule is don't be boring and dress cute wherever you go. Life is too short to blend in.”






2) Topic - Love and Birthdays

A -- "Now, they're saying I groped a male... Yes, I did. Not only did I grope him, I tickled him until he couldn't breathe and four guys jumped on top of me. It was my birthday.

B -- "The way I see it, you should live everyday like it's your birthday."

C -- "If you don't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?"





3) Topic - Handling difficult situations

A -- "I'm so smart now. Everyone's always like 'take your top off'. Sorry, NO! They always want to get that money shot. I'm not stupid."

B -- "Doing what I do for a living has never been easy. I've had to fight countless battles in this game that the public has no idea ever happened. But, I just pick myself up and carry on, I carry on."

C -- "Let me say this: Somebody says I groped males, females. You know, I was fondling a cat — whatever it is, I don't resign."




4) Topic - What's the motto you live by?

A -- "I'm going to show you more than tickle fights. That's a Crossing the Line ceremony."

B -- "I’m not, like, that smart."


C -- "All sins are forgiven once you start making a lot of money."





5)Topic - Sum up your career

A -- "It's about something that's so much bigger than that that I've — I learned in just a year. And that is, you can either go along and get along, or you can literally be bought and sold legally."

B -- "I've dedicated my career to fighting the mundane. My hope is that my career will be a shining example to children everywhere that life is more meaningful when you are not afraid to see all colors of the rainbow."

C -- “I'm still young and still have a very active career that I'm not prepared to give up, ... I have worked very hard to get to where I am.







6)Topic - Describe your sex life

A -- "I mean, I don't know how else to put it. I own this misbehavior."


B -- “It will work. I am a marketing genius.”


C -- "With hair, heels, and attitude, honey, I am through the roof."








Answer Key - Don't worry if you got some wrong. These three are easily confused.
1) A - Rupaul; B - Massa; C - Paris
2) A - Massa; B - Paris; C - Rupaul
3) A - Paris; B - Rupaul C - Massa
4) A - Massa; B - Paris; C - Rupaul
5) A - Massa; B - Rupaul; C - Paris
6) A - Massa; B - Paris; C - Rupaul

Odds Are You've Never Heard of Some of These People -- Celeb Apprentice Bettor's Guide

I must caveat this with the fact that I have never seen this show before. I did see some of the original Apprentice, and I think I know enough about most of these people to give you proper odds and guide your wagering. There are also some other incredibly unfamous people who I left off because they are really more suited to The Surreal Life rather than network TV.... Here you go, the "celeb" bio quote is in bold, and Franchise-endorsed odds come at the end. Happy betting!




Darryl Strawberry "I'm Mr. New York, people in New York love me. They got my back on this."
New York does have your back Darryl, but unless there's a freebasing challenge I don't see you hitting this one out the park. More likely, is that Darryl will be transferred straight from the boardroom to VH1's Celebrity Rehab by midseason. -- 20:1









Sharon Osbourne "I don't play well with other women, and I can be the nastiest bitch in the world."
This nasty bitch gets points for truth in her bio quote (although strangely, she also seems to be ruling out F/M/F threesomes - poor Ozzie). Now I hate Sharon and her rat offspring as much as the next guy, but Omarosa taught us that the Apprentice will reward foul-mouthed, evil broads with huge egos. So Sharon gets -- 7:1 and those go down if there are any Prince of Darkness cameos.














Cyndi Lauper "I'm not above doing whatever it takes"
Making a veiled reference to blowing The Donald in your bio quote is a good start to winning this show. However, Cyndi's grating voice and white hair will wear the judges out, time after time. Odds would be lower if she still had Captain Lou Albano in her corner threatening to shoot the judges with the rubber bands from his beard -- 30:1







Sinbad "You go in there, you survive, you fight like a pit bull."
Umm yeah Sinbad, except at this point in your career you are more like one of Mike Vick's pit bulls after a losing streak. If he still had his haircut from A Different World, the odds would be more in his favor. I am shocked that NBC was able to pull him away from his regular gig as the clown who pulls contestants off the stage at The Apollo. -- 45:1














Bret Michaels "If you're going to freak out, have a rock star freak out."
Penchant for bimbos, bad fake hair, and comes across as an egotistical moron -- Bret and the Donald will be two peas in a pod. Loses some points because he will probably be disqualified for slaying Trump's daughter by Episode 3. Nice pic: hook 'em horny, Bret -- 4:1








Carol Leifer "I am the ultimate carnival barker."
Yes, yes you are. Carol is also known as the Ultimate Dog-Faced Lady, according to me. She is not famous and she is hideous. Bad combo -- 150:1















Rod Blagojevich "There's a cloud that sort of travels along with me."
Ya think so, doctor? It's a little early for this scumbag to be trying to climb back into the public realm. Next thing you know, Elliot Spitzer will try to re-enter politics... Again, the sweet hairstyle and being a lying, cheating jackass has to sway some points with The Donald. 20:1








Summer Sanders "I feel like I am the person I am today because I played sports."
Hey Summer, you're about as famous as Carol Fuckin' Leifer. I think she used to be on NBC at some point though, so you get better odds for the network taking care of its own -- 100:1











Holly Robinson Peete "I fund raise morning, noon and night for families with autism. I call it creative begging."
We're talking about Officer Judy Hoffs here. Not only did this chick go undercover in some of the baddest suburban high schools in America, she also sang the theme song to 21 Jumpstreet. Hey Sharon Osborne - Ya betta be ready when we meet ya after schoool. Jump, down on Jump Streeeeet! Throw in former shitty NFL QB Rodney Peete giving her advice from the sidelines, and Holly has to be my favorite -- 3:1

New Product Alert!

Friends, have you ever been with a special someone you met moments earlier? Have you had second thoughts about being with that momentarily sexy person and thought, "Jesus Christ, I should wear a condom!"?

Well have I got the new product for you!





It's 'Jesus Christ, I Should Wear A Condom!' - available in a water/wine-based lubricant as well as 'arid' for the Jews for Jesus.


Also available in 'Vishnu, That's a Dirty Vagina!', and for a limited-time only, 'Buddha, I Should Just Get a Blowjob!' versions.

Images of Oscar

New evidence shows Yoko Ono broke up The Beatles AND the cast of Cheers.





A Keanu Reeves impersonator got a good laugh from the audience, as he pretended to accept an Oscar for The Lake House.





It's good to see Macaulay Culkin still working.








Best Actor nominee Jeremy Renner shown here in a tense scene from his role as Precious' OB/GYN.










The under-appreciated Zombieland is recognized.





Beeker from The Muppets receives an award for a lifetime of achievement in science and film-making.


















The Dude finally has some gold to exchange for cash online.










Looks like The Hurt Locker director, Kathryn Bigelow, also wants to take home an award in DP.








The Oscars don't discriminate, as this dude was allowed to bring his seeing-eye dog.