File Under: Stuff I Don't Necessarily Want To Report...

Breaking news (yet again) -- Portland Trailblazer and "the guy who was supposed to make people feel better about drafting Sam Bowie over Michael Jordan", Greg Oden, has apparently released nude photos of himself. http://deadspin.com/5457361/greg-odens-gigantic-penis-is-also-healing-nicely

Bill Simmons -- of ESPN and his own book's fame -- says that while Oden's unit may be statistically significant, Simmons' dick is actually better. This may not make sense unless you have read Simmons' NBA tome, but... "while Oden has said his joint could clearly dominate, even in the non-shot clock era, Simmons contends that a small white cock in an up-tempo (e.g. Steve Nash MVP/Seven Seconds or Less) system coached by the right director... Let's face it, both of us lose in a tourney match-up with Scott Baio's junk..." Simmons eventually stopped talking and launched into an impromptu podcast with Jimmy Kimmel's chest hair lint about Major League Soccer.

Historical Tweets Unearthed

Now, I have commented on Tweeting once before (http://thefranchisecometh.blogspot.com/2009/04/embracing-new-technology.html), but I am now prepared to share some inside information with you. Twitter has been going on for years amongst celebrities and influencers such as myself. I am going to share some of these ground-breaking historical Tweet archives for the first time.



"This driver is going so slow... uggh I am tired. My leg is falling asleep! WTF?"
-- Rosa Parks






"There is something really comforting about blissfully drifting off to sleep in the nude after sexually assaulting my wife. L8er y'all!" -- John Bobbitt





"This is so much easier than talking. LMAO!" -- Stephen Hawking














"Maybe I never should have broken up with Joey Gladstone. No! Cut. It. Out. It was the right decision :)" -- Alanis Morissette






"Momma always said 'mouth sex = no sex'. This whole thing will blow over... Somebody tweet me what you're wearin rahht now" - Bill Clinton






"Gonna try to make up with Nicole tonight. Brought my date knife. Wish me luck!" -- OJ Simpson

Breaking News: Ed Hardy is pissed that only douchebags wear his clothes

Former tattoo artist and designer extraordinaire, Ed Hardy, has released a statement following the news of his immediate retirement. "I got into the design business to make a little coin and maybe crush a little ass. To be honest, I was just a tattoo guy, I dealt with bikers and shit. This Christian Audiggierio guy has always been a little weird (to say the least), but I liked the money.








"I admit, I've been out of the loop... But now I find out its only losers and weirdos wearing my clothes? Forget this. I'm out.








"The final straw was when Spencer Pratt wanted a "Love Kills Slowly" tuxedo for his wife's album party. I should have sent him a Summer's Eve prom dress instead... Douchebag. Hmmm... maybe I can get a job with those Affliction guys? Their clientele seems pretty cool..."

Breaking News: Mark McGwire Banged Dudes

Interpretation of the statement Mark McGwire issued Monday:

"Now that I have become the hitting coach for the St. Louis Cardinals, I have the chance to do something that I wish I was able to do five years ago.

"I never knew when, but I always knew this day would come. It's time for me to talk about the past and to confirm what people have suspected. I slept with Tiger Woods during my playing career and I apologize. I remember trying Tiger very briefly in the 1989/1990 off season and then after I was injured in 1993, I used Tiger again. I used him on occasion throughout the '90s (sniff), including during the 1998 season (whimper).

"I wish I had never touched Tiger Woods. It was foolish and it was a mistake. I truly apologize. Looking back, I wish I had never manned first base during the Tiger Woods era.

"During the mid-'90s, I went on the DL seven times and missed 228 games over five years. I experienced a lot of injuries, including an ovary strain, a torn left emotion muscle, a stress fracture of the left uterus (I had two due to repeated female hormone injections), and a torn right heart. It was definitely a miserable bunch of years and I told myself that Tiger Woods could help me recover faster. I thought his loving would help me heal and prevent injuries, too.

"I'm sure people will wonder if I could have hit all those home runs had I never taken Tiger Woods inside me. I had good years when I didn't take Tiger in me and I had bad years when I did take Tiger in me. I had good years when I took Tiger orally and I had bad years when I took Tiger via enema. But no matter what, I shouldn't have done Tiger, and for that I'm truly sorry.

"Baseball is really different now -- it's been cleaned up. The commissioner and the players' association implemented testing and they cracked down, and I'm glad they did. I doubt that any other player will have the benefit of Tiger standing groin-to-ass behind them, coaching them through batting practice."

"I'm grateful to the Cardinals for bringing me back to baseball. I want to say thank you to Cardinals owner Mr. DeWitt, to my GM, John Mozeliak, and to my manager, Tony La Russa. I can't wait to put the uniform on again and to be back on the field in front of the great fans in Saint Louis. I've always appreciated their support and I intend to earn it again, this time as hitting coach. I'm going to pour myself into this job and do everything I can to help the Cardinals hitters become the best players for years to come. If any of them ask me about Tiger Woods, I will say that if you are interested, you better take your goddamn name off your cell phone.

"After all this time, I want to come clean. Tiger physically put me in a position where I could not speak five years ago in my congressional testimony, or walk properly during my everyday errands, but now I feel an obligation to discuss this and to answer questions about Tiger Woods. I'll do that, and then I just want to help my team."


When reached for comment, St. Louis Cardinals owner William DeWitt Jr. said, "Seriously, Old Ginger Juicer (that's what we called him in the clubhouse)? Yeah, haha I had no idea. I hope they both grow old and endorse together. But seriously, did any of you idiots think these guys weren't on steroids?? Come on, people."

MTV Public Service Announcement: The Rebuttal

You have the right to say no sound bite  A Thin Line sound bites

So MTV has launched a new commercial campaign to try to curb "sexting" among America's youth. If you're not familiar with "sexting" you need to get a new wireless plan, but it is the act of sending sexually explicit images or texts via phone or email. Ladies, as you consider this delicate issue, here are some facts that MTV does not want you to know.


FACT: If your boyfriend asks you to send a nude picture to his phone and you do not comply, he will absolutely dump you and start sleeping with your sister, best friend, or female cousin. It's scientifically proven.


FACT: Your boyfriend has already described your body in great detail to all of his friends, so why not let the evidence speak for itself.



FACT: Sexting catapulted the "career" of former Disney star Vanessa Hudgens. There is an 83 percent likelihood that it will also work for you.





FACT: If you sext a naked picture to *611 on your T-Mobile phone and it gets to a friendly/hard-up technician, you are six times more likely to receive a month of free mobile service than if you had not sexted.



FACT: You are more likely to get pregnant, glaucoma, and/or diabetes if you do not sext.



FACT: In recent FBI surveillance of terrorist group communications, there have been no reports of sexting. Do you want your boyfriend to become a terrorist?



FACT: Your parents are against sexting because they do not understand the advances in digital photography. Your mom's version of a sext most likely involved slipping this crudely drawn self-portrait into your biological dad's locker during gym class. You've come a long way, baby.




I think the evidence speaks for itself. Text me if you have further questions.

Movie Reviews

Here's a handy list to guide you through Franchise's Recent Movie Likes and Dislikes, enjoy. Hope it helps.




The Lovely Bones -- I took this girl who I went to eighth grade with to this movie. I was at second base and rounding towards third when we were asked to leave the theater after numerous complaints. The Lovely Bone? Franchise thinks not.








Invictus -- I purchased the Milk Duds/Large Popcorn/Cherry Coke combo. Lost a filling during the previews. Regal Cinema would neither return my money, nor pay my dental bill. This movie sucked.









Sherlock Holmes -- So I go to take a whizz about a third of the way into the movie. Someone had not flushed the second stall from the right when you walk in the Men's Room. That's just disgusting, people. "Thank you for coming to Loews, sit back and relax and enjoy this turd??" I think we all know that that is not how the song goes.









Avatar -- Oh man, I was shitfaced for this one. Not even sure why I went. I was yelling out the answers to the movie trivia they show before the previews start... and then I think I passed out. Woke up with one shoe, and my 3-D glasses on my crotch. 15 bucks wasted.









Leap Year -- It was really cold and windy out, and I didn't feel like walking all the way home... so I snuck in the theater and threw sour patch kids at ugly chicks until I warmed up. Two thumbs up.

Welcome 2010

Yup, I guess it is indeed 2010. Another year, another beer. I missed the opportunity to get in on the Top of the Decade lists that were popular amongst the blog set... so, I figured I would give you this --

Franchise's Top 10 Inappropriately Skinny / Young / Dead Chicks That I Would Like To Bang (Whilst They Were Alive or Of Legal Consenting Age, Of Course), and Maybe Even Bang Twice List

10) Brittany Murphy (circa 2001; i.e. pre-dead and post-being nasty in Clueless) -- Very hot at one point? check; Banked over 10 mil in box office salary? check; access to, and strong affinity for, numerous drugs and booze? check; fucked Ashton Kutcher? check... well, please forget that part; low self-esteem and eating disorder? check plus! It's too bad she's dead and we did not get to exchange life philosophies, fluids and dealers.



9) Keira Knightley -- I like her... accent? I have always dug suspenders on naked chicks, and this ad. Plus, I bet Johnny Depp bagged her on the Pirates of the Caribbean movie set and the sex tape will be rated Arrrrrrrrr.... hahaha I kill me.












8) Kate Bosworth -- She played Superman's girlfriend which means she has mentally prepped for the role of being verbally abused and picking up the bar tab for Franchise. Do you know how many squats you have to do, just in case Superman flips you around for doggy? Girl could have died during filming if she didn't have the right mouthguards and workout regimen. 'Nuff said.







7) Kristen Bell -- I will never forget Sarah Marshall. Veronica Mars seems poised to be a big star in the future, but it's time to get naked in a movie or release a sex tape. You're a big girl now, hon, time to make those 12 dollar movie tickets worth it. We'll talk about the 6 dollar popcorn on my casting couch.






6) Mandy Moore (circa 2000) -- You may know her as AquaMan's love interest from Entourage, but when she burst on the music scene in 1999 she was both inappropriately young and inappropriately skinny. I was so into Mandy back in the day, that I Wikipedia'd her bio for this shit. Apparently she was 16 at the height of her good-lookingness. Oooops. Too bad Mandy, maybe Marty Scorcese will see your stellar acting work in 'A Walk to Remember' and cast you in his next epic, just like he worked it out for Big Head Vinnie Chase and the Monsters.







5) Anna Kournikova (circa 2000) -- only non-actress that made the list. Why? Well, I guess I love tennis and hot Eastern European women, and this chick was just a prodigy in both regards. Loss of points for a foot fault, and for dating Enrique Iglesias and the entire NHL in the 1990's.













4) Natalie Portman -- Very hot, seems smart (Harvard), not insane, talented... what the fuck?? Someone get the Britney/Lindsay Talent Management Company on the phone, STAT! I want Portman getting kicked off set, having more bloody noses than Manny Pacquiao, and I WANT HER SERIOUSLY CONSIDERING CINEMAX!! Do I ask for much?? I am posting gross pictures of her so guys stop thinking about, "was she hot in Beautiful Girls?" You guys are sick -- and you know who you are...




3) Blake Lively -- She has been mentioned before in these pages. Just plain hot and young, and dumb as rocks. Recipe for relationship bliss in my book. Multiple pics to make up for the bloody Portman.












2) Jessica Stroup -- This is some chick I have never heard of. Why is she number 2, you ask? Well, she is hot, and she is on the new 90210 which probably means she is under 30, and it's fucking hard to pull together 10 picks for these lists. Franchise gets a few beers in him and he gets tired, frankly. So The Stroup is the word. Embrace it. Discuss the rankings, or who I missed, in the comments section.









1) Rachel Bilson -- This chick was on The O.C. on Fox back in the day. I am not sure how old she is, but she played a high schooler on the homeless man's Beverly Hills 90210. I will admit, I originally liked Mischa Barton (also a skinny / dead candidate), better on the show, but this chick is ferocious. No idea what happened to her. Maybe the nerd from O.C. snapped her up in real life, maybe she is dead too. Regardless, at one point she was inappropriately everything and I hope she re-surfaces as a crank addict in my neighborhood because I just got an E-Z Bake meth lab for Christmas.