"Now that I have become the hitting coach for the St. Louis Cardinals, I have the chance to do something that I wish I was able to do five years ago.
"I never knew when, but I always knew this day would come. It's time for me to talk about the past and to confirm what people have suspected. I slept with Tiger Woods during my playing career and I apologize. I remember trying Tiger very briefly in the 1989/1990 off season and then after I was injured in 1993, I used Tiger again. I used him on occasion throughout the '90s (sniff), including during the 1998 season (whimper). "I wish I had never touched Tiger Woods. It was foolish and it was a mistake. I truly apologize. Looking back, I wish I had never manned first base during the Tiger Woods era.
"During the mid-'90s, I went on the DL seven times and missed 228 games over five years. I experienced a lot of injuries, including an ovary strain, a torn left emotion muscle, a stress fracture of the left uterus (I had two due to repeated female hormone injections), and a torn right heart. It was definitely a miserable bunch of years and I told myself that Tiger Woods could help me recover faster. I thought his loving would help me heal and prevent injuries, too.
"I'm sure people will wonder if I could have hit all those home runs had I never taken Tiger Woods inside me. I had good years when I didn't take Tiger in me and I had bad years when I did take Tiger in me. I had good years when I took Tiger orally and I had bad years when I took Tiger via enema. But no matter what, I shouldn't have done Tiger, and for that I'm truly sorry.
"Baseball is really different now -- it's been cleaned up. The commissioner and the players' association implemented testing and they cracked down, and I'm glad they did. I doubt that any other player will have the benefit of Tiger standing groin-to-ass behind them, coaching them through batting practice."
"I'm grateful to the Cardinals for bringing me back to baseball. I want to say thank you to Cardinals owner Mr. DeWitt, to my GM, John Mozeliak, and to my manager, Tony La Russa. I can't wait to put the uniform on again and to be back on the field in front of the great fans in Saint Louis. I've always appreciated their support and I intend to earn it again, this time as hitting coach. I'm going to pour myself into this job and do everything I can to help the Cardinals hitters become the best players for years to come. If any of them ask me about Tiger Woods, I will say that if you are interested, you better take your goddamn name off your cell phone.
"After all this time, I want to come clean. Tiger physically put me in a position where I could not speak five years ago in my congressional testimony, or walk properly during my everyday errands, but now I feel an obligation to discuss this and to answer questions about Tiger Woods. I'll do that, and then I just want to help my team."
When reached for comment, St. Louis Cardinals owner William DeWitt Jr. said, "Seriously, Old Ginger Juicer (that's what we called him in the clubhouse)? Yeah, haha I had no idea. I hope they both grow old and endorse together. But seriously, did any of you idiots think these guys weren't on steroids?? Come on, people."
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