A few thoughts for the real fans

• In order to combat Kay Jewelers and their omnipresent advertising campaign, I am starting a new business just in time for the holiday season called "BlowJob Diamonds". Now if I could only think of a catchy slogan...
  
  


• When this Secret Millionaire show debuted on Fox, I decided to quit my job and begin hanging around meth clinics and soda/beer can recycling centers... I've even been sleeping with more homeless chicks. So far I have VD and a heroin problem, but I really feel I am this close to finding one of these undercover rich fuckers and making some easy money.
  

Years back, this would have practically been blasphemy. But with the advances in modern medicine and the cost of pharmaceuticals coming down, I submit to you that Snoop was wrong and there is in fact some "pussy good enough to get burnt while I'm up in it". Happy Holidays fuckers.

Boycott Apple this Holiday Season

Friends,
I am back with a serious request. It used to be that a guy could take the subway to work, see a pretty girl, and just lean over and quietly say something creepy or just wildly inappropriate. Well, that is until a man named Steve Jobs came along and invented the "iPod". Now everybody's got their "earbuds" in, and hypothetical women can't hear any of a hypothetical guy's awesome pick-up lines or educated guesses about what kind of underwear they are wearing. This is just wrong, because it obviously leads to unabashed, unwanted groping! So if you support sexual assault, please - go right ahead and buy your female cousin that brand new pink Shuffle for Christmas! You goddamn freak.

NFL Week That is Becoming

• Dallas Cowboys CB Adam "Pacman" Jones goes on 4 state, 21-person killing spree; Cowboys owner Jerry Jones says it is "harmless tomfoolery" and Pacman will play this Sunday


• NFL fan Justin Kilkenny may change his last name to "Seis-Nueve" in honor of Chad Ocho Cinqo, but he probably will not score either


• ESPN personality Chris Berman to unveil "really funny" play on words nicknames for players in the amazing NFL Countdown show

Charlie Weis' FUPA is still unsuccessful in college. Apparently, only professionals relate to that sort of thing, much like his sex life

update

Please share this site with your friends. My agent just told me that I am ten fans away from getting a spot on the next VH1 Celebrity Rehab!

Literature

With the rampant success of my childrens' literature career (http://thefranchisecometh.blogspot.com/2008/09/continued-literary-series.html), I have been signed to do a book designed for adults. Bucking normal trends as always, I have penned the first "self-hurt" book. It is called, You Deserve to Die, Go Ahead and Do it Pussy. We are still working out the details, but the plan is to have it out by Arbor Day.

A few Hump Day thoughts for you

• Please excuse my appearance if I look a bit worse for wear. I was having a solo S&M session yesterday and I forgot the safe word.


• Proving to their fans that they do in fact give a shit. The Pittsburgh Steelers re-signed Najeh Davenport this week. http://espn.go.com/nfl/news/2002/0729/1411363.html


• With growing pressure to appeal to the middle American populace, Barack Obama is considering dropping out of his race and running as an Independent ethnicity
  
• I can't say I remember the time very well, but I bet it was really cool when that guy from Coldplay used to rule the world. Everybody probably had a beard, smoked dope and hugged each other alot.

• Sticking with music, I often wonder if Eddie Murphy's girl really liked to party ALL the time or if he was exaggerating. Maybe he was getting a little older and she still had some wild oats to sow. Maybe she just wasn't in to trannie hookers. Either way, I don't think Eddie had to call her out like that in song.

Amid Growing Concerns About U.S. Economy, Vice Presidential Candidate Palin Drops Out of Race to Pursue the Sex Trade

Washington D.C. (September 29) - In a shocking turn of events following the congressional rejection of a federal economic bailout package, Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin has announced she is dropping out of the race. "Listen, everything's going to hell. I've got to look out for my family and now I've got illegitimate grandkids to feed. Frankly, I've received a great number of fantastic offers with this newfound fame. Has anybody even looked at what they pay a vice president nowadays? If Congress is gonna let this country go to shit... well, I may as well make my money while I can", said Palin in a rambling but prepared statement.

Ms. Palin went on to describe how she has signed a far-reaching personal licensing, film and appearance deal with Vivid Video Productions Company. Industry experts estimate the deal to be worth well over 10 million dollars per year, which Ms. Palin has requested be paid in the Saudi Riyal currency. Vivid's CEO, who wished to remain anonymous due to outstanding federal bench warrants, commented: "It's the glasses, man. She is a fuckin sexy chick. The American people have spoken." When asked if she would ever reconsider, Ms. Palin commented, "No, it's in my contract that the glasses have to stay on."

Continued Literary Series

With the successful completion of my first book under my belt(http://thefranchisecometh.blogspot.com/2008/09/lo-siento.html), I have been signed to a multi-volume series of educational childrens' stories. The second in the series will be called Everybody's Pee Burns (At Some Point in Your Life) and will tackle discussing common STDs with your child. It is a working title, and the release date is tentatively scheduled in time for Mardi Gras.

New TV season reviews

Entourage (HBO, Sundays at 10 pm) --




Vinny Chase is the only leading man in Hollywood who needs to worry about a progressing hairline. If this continues, he will be playing an Iraqi vagina for his next big film in Season 6.






Sex with Mom and Dad (MTV, Weeknights at 7 pm) -- Despite Dr. Drew Pinsky's approval, I cannot condone incest on my television.
















True Blood (HBO, Sundays at 9 pm) --




From what I can tell so far, this is a cheap southern trash Dukes of Hazzard ripoff with the new hook being weird teeth. Anna Paquin leads the cast and Michael Strahan is rumoured to be joining later in the season.























Charm School 2: Rock of Love Girls (VH1, Sundays at 9 pm) -- VH1 is now officially more dependent on whores than even Charlie Sheen was in the late 1980s.

Injury Report

We have to make the NFL a focus right now as the season is in full force. Here is this week's injury report so you can dominate your bets and purchase that fantasy hooker.

Tom Brady: Suffering from priapism (erection for four or more hours) -- Out, but really in a better place now

Brett Favre: Unable to walk on water due to leg injury, but will play -- Probable deity

Vince Young: Enlarged tear ducts -- Mom says he is Questionable, but not to judge

Every Kicker: Teammates think they are pussies -- Probable Foreigner

Plaxico Burress: Dislocated cell phone-dialing finger -- Suspended

J.T. O'Sullivan: Missing Lucky Charms -- Doubtful

Melissa Stark: Stitches -- Will Play Rough

Warren Sapp: Complete loss of testosterone and pride -- Out for career

Topical like an ointment

A few thoughts on various topics, as we start another stupid work week:



Politics
I am concerned for America's environment if Governor Palin is elected vice president. She has proven that she will let anyone drill anywhere. Look at her daughter.


The Economy
We can break this economic slump if we can simply convince young rappers to engage in some conspicuous consumption. Stop with the long-term-growth conservative investment vehicle strategies, yo!


Legal News
I think Dirk Diggler has a strong copyright infringement case against Subway for the "$5 foot long" ad campaign. It's clearly a cheap take-off on Dirk's ground-breaking "5 bucks to see it, 10 if it's hard" campaign in 1980. Tsk, tsk Subway.

Personal
I am still the kind of guy who brings two girls to a 3-way Stop sign. I am an excellent driver.

The NFL Week That Will Be

Unable to find a receiver, Favre announces retirement


Facing a 3rd and long with his receivers blanketed by a feisty Miami secondary, Brett Favre announced his retirement mid-play on Sunday afternoon. "When I looked downfield and Coles was covered deep while Cotchery had not even come out of his break yet, and the pass rush was starting to bear down on me --well, heck, I just realized I don't have the same youthful exuberance necessary to play this game at a high level", said the fickle-minded forward pass thrower. The pass rush and game were both halted briefly for a ceremony to commend Favre for his years of commitment to the league, painkillers and gray beard stubble.

In a surprising turn of events after the Jets defense held the Dolphins on the next series, Favre was seen hustling to a sideline fax machine to send in a request for reinstatement to NFL Commissioner Roger Gooddell's office. Before heading back on to the field, Favre commented,"The tractor and my tight Wrangler jeans can wait. I missed football. I missed the camaraderie for those few minutes while we were on defense." Longtime NFL announcer John Madden commented, "He's like a little kid out there. Ya look at the joy on his face when he's sending that fax in, and you just know that that is Brett Favre sending a Brett Favre fax so he can get back out there for some Brett Favre football."

Lo Siento

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I have been working on a new book. It's a kid's book actually. It's called, "Tommy's Daddy has 2 Girlfriends Tonight", and is designed to explain threesomes to small children in a wholesome but explicit manner. Look for it in bookstores in time for the Christmas season.

It's a judgment call...

But I think I've been getting into too much self-defecating humor lately.

MMQB?

In honor of Sports Illustrated's longtime NFL columnist, Peter King - here are 10 things I think I think:









a) I think I was talking to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell last week and I didn't believe anything he said, because I simply worship Bill Belichick and all things New England. By the way, what's up with my hair. Was I struck by lightning? Is my dad Pepe LePew?




ii) I think it's just a hunch right now, but the NFL team that scores the most points in the 2008-2009 season will almost certainly make the playoffs. Unless their defense betrays them. And league sources tell me that team will either be the Lions, Rams or a different team.






pi) I think many of you know that I have a Hall of Fame vote, but what you don't know is that I have been voting for Brett Favre every year since he was drafted by the Falcons. I will dedicate all of my votes to him in 5 years, unless John Madden and I can will him back for one more season. But that would be similar to the will that Brett showed on the field, which was often inhuman.

By the way, I didn't watch or read any football-related news this week, but I am told there was a trade that could have happened in the draft between the Eagles and another team. It involved multiple picks, but was called off in one of the "draft war rooms".



4) Daughter Mary Beth King will graduate from college this week. Those who follow this column closely know that I write way too much about Mary Beth. Well to continue in that theme, she had a bit of a pregnancy scare after taking some of what's called "Ecstatic", at what I'm told was a Colgate University poetry reading. She's ok now - thanks for all of your emails of support. And kids, don't do drugs!






5) Coffeenerdness - my deal for pimping Starbuck's has finally run its course. Strangely enough, I am really now into the Sonic's Java Chillers! And I just put a new pool in at my summer house.





f) Travel Note of the Week - If you've seen me on HBO's Inside The NFL lately, you know that I purchase two seats on a plane nowadays. And goddammit be quiet in the "quiet car" on Amtrak or I will break your face next time, Lady In the Tan Pantsuit!





g) Please keep sending in those reader emails, which I print for a fake Tuesday column and then write a brief note in which I disregard, but do not discredit your points!




Ocho) Great column in Sports Illustrated this week, Mike Silver! Who knew that there even were paraplegic synchronized swimmers? That's more dedication than Jason Taylor is showing to the Dolphins right now.




9) Mike Greenwell is not really working out as my fantasy baseball sleeper eh?

9.2) Spoiler alert: Don't read if you haven't seen last Thursday's "The Office". Great job by the writers this week, getting Michael back to making those funny faces and not talking so much!

9.3) If you are looking for a summer travel destination, may I recommend beautiful Colgate University? Add some minor league baseball and a micro-brew coffee and I would go too, but I would probably have a seizure.




10) Next week - more on Spygate and why Goodell made the whole thing up.

Sad News

Verne “Mini Me” Troyer was found dead this morning. Early coroner reports indicate that years of substance abuse finally caught up with the diminutive actor. Dr. Drew Pinsky, the ‘therapist to the stars’ who treated Troyer for several months, commented: “The little guy was fucked up ya know? Some folks are so out of control that they don’t want to be helped. Toward the end, he was drinking two or three beers per day, and had a 5 dollar a week cocaine habit. His heart had swollen to the size of a quarter… it was just a matter of time.”

New TV lineup

We are lucky enough that I am privy to the new Spring network television prime time replacement shows. Here they are with time slots and tag lines.

Fox
Wednesday / 10:00 pm: Are You Sexier Than A Fifth Grader? -- “We’re Fox, for Christ’s sake. Jeff Foxworthy hosts.”

Friday / 10:00 pm: Oh Yeah, Mr. Really Smart Fifth Grader – Can You Do More Whippets Than Me? – “The 7th grade children of failed contestants on Fox’s Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader?, will now have a chance to defend their family’s incestuous honor. Jeff Foxworthy still hosts.”

CBS
Thursday / 8:00 pm: Survivor: West Baltimore -- "The HBO-like edginess of the mean streets of one of America's worst cities, meets the competitive fire of stranded middle-aged white people -- Who will come out on top?"

Monday / 8:30 pm: How I met that chick who used to let me throw it in her butt before I married your frigid, bitchy mother -- "A prequel of sorts"

NBC
Tuesday / 8:00 pm: Law & Order: The Hispanic Guy Did It -- “Ripped out another spinoff”

Thursday / 9:00 pm: The Corporate Rest Room -- “They love it in England!”

Friday / 10:00 pm: Dateline: To Catch A Governor -- “Dateline correspondent, Chris Hansen of To Catch A Predator fame, will now use a variety of high tech traps to catch evil-doing state leaders in the act -- while you watch and judge!”

ABC
Wednesday / 8:00 pm: Convulsing with the Handicapped Stars! -- "Production is currently on hold"

Thursday / 8:30 pm: The Bachelor: No Prophylactics! -- "We promise that by the end of this season there will be more tears and surprises than ever..."

Music Trivia

Here's something interesting I learned today. Did you know that the song "Roseanna" by Toto is actually about a one-night stand that keyboardist, David Paich, had with a utility infielder named Chad on the Pawtucket Red Sox after their quarter beer night promotion on July 7, 1978? True story. You ask ten of your friends that, and I bet no more than three get it right. Go ahead, I dare you.

Sadness is Beautiful, Loneliness is Tragical

I saw the saddest thing ever as I was looking out my apartment window today. This beautiful girl was breaking down on the phone to her friend. She was trying to talk, but just sobbing uncontrollably. It almost made me want to cry too. At that moment I felt such a strange sense of kinship and empathy for her -- and I don't think it was because I had just told her I was sleeping with her sister. I will always wonder what she was crying about however, and I will definitely change my locks now.

New Venture

I am starting a new social networking site. The site's primary goal will be to connect good-looking male professionals with mediocre-looking girls from their office for workday interludes in supply closets, break areas, and empty conference rooms. I have purchased the domain name http://www.slumminattheoffice.com/ All angel investors should feel free to contact me, as well as any mediocre-looking girls looking for some midday action in my workplace.